Playing on your work softball team is wonderful — you get to escape the stuffy office, interact unprofessionally with your boss (cuss, spit, slap ass, etc.), and you finally get to see what your coworkers’ bare legs look like (usually weird with the opposite amount of hair you would expect).
But the number-one goal of any work softball team is simple: win. By far the biggest barrier between you and that coveted “W” against the chiropractic office across town is the one idiot dumbass who evidently has never seen a fucking baseball game before and doesn’t understand the basic rules of softball. Since many softball leagues don’t allow players to be thrown off their team for GROWING UP IN A CAVE APPARENTLY, the best way to solve this problem is to try to teach them the rules.
The following is a list of strategies for teaching the dumb person on your work’s softball team the basics of the game.
-Talk to them like they’re a fucking three-year-old
They might already feel ashamed that they are the odd one out when it comes to knowing the game, but in a lot of ways they are acting like a three-year-old by not knowing the basic rules of a child’s game, so this is appropriate.
-Scream obscenities under your breath before instructing them.
This is a way to be polite while still letting the dumbass know they’ve fucked up. Let’s say they were on base and they take off when someone hits a pop-up, you yell at them to run back and they run back past first base and turn toward home. They get tagged out and are walking toward you ashamed of being such an unbelievable idiot. Take a breath, look up to the sky, and under your breath shout, “Fucking hell … what the FUCK was that?”, and then turn to them with a forced smile and say, “When there’s a pop-up you just run back to the base you were on, haha, get ‘em next time.” They’ll understand the subtext.
-Hit them a lot.
It’s gotten a bad rap recently, but studies prove that the quickest way to teach someone something is to whip them every time they get it wrong. Is your dumb coworker fielding a routine base hit to right field and then throwing it to the center fielder for some dumbass reason? Run out to right field and whip the shit out of them. You’ll get weird looks and definitely get arrested, but every time they see that scar, they’ll know to hit the cut-off man.
-Whistle and point
We’re obviously getting into dog-training territory now but it’s a straightforward form of communication: The whistle gets their attention and the point tells them where to go. Why muck it up with words?
-Physically grab them by the hips and push them to where they should be standing
Since it’s work, make sure they know its clearly not sexual by talking about your family while you’re doing it.
-When having a warm-up catch before the game, throw the ball harder than usual
This will get them ready for game speed and set up the expectation that they are in way over their head and should just stay out of the way as much as possible or else they might get seriously hurt.
-Relate the rules to musical theater somehow
Maybe say, like, the pitcher is the protagonist. Or maybe the hitter is. I don’t fucking know.
-Yell “GO GO GO!”
This might confuse them but it will get them to do something, which is way more than they have been doing.
-Yell “I GOT IT I GOT IT MOVE MOVE MOVE!”
This is a more specific version of the previous tip.
-Ask them gently if they’d like to just sit this inning out
I mean, they failed. Or they are failing, so just get them the hell outta there. Remind them to hydrate to make them think you care.
-Hide their dumbass glove
Look at this nice glove you bought last weekend, it’s brand new and shiny, needs to be roughed up in this trash can here. Sorry, you can’t play without a glove…