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April 20, 2016
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Reflections on 4/20 and birthdays.

It’s 4/20 but it’s also two days from my thirtieth birthday. I thought I take a moment and reflect on how I feel. First of all, turning thirty looms large for whatever reason. Actually now that I think about the prospect of turning thirty is what finally made me start doing therapy. I like therapy but I don’t know if it makes me feel any better about turning thirty. There’s a sense of finality that I’ve never really felt before–like this is a BIG birthday. Does that make sense?

Actually, now that I think of it, that’s not true. I remember getting really scared when I turned ten. I’ve always been this way. Dang.

But there is an encroaching sentiment that the best years of my life are behind me–the years of discovery and adventure gently yielding to a more settled existence, a time when I can enjoy the comforts of home and family.

But at the same time, George H.W. Bush sky dove at age eighty so truly anything is possible and age is just a number. George H.W. Bush kinda sucked but he was still better than his son.

Anyway.

I worry that I haven’t accomplished enough with my life personally or professionally. Like, should I own more chairs? Also, there have been times in the past year when I haven’t fully been able to afford deodorant. I don’t know how that’s gonna feel once I turn thirty.

In no way does that mean I am discounting the things that are beautiful and special and sweet about this wonderful world. I cherish many moments and consider it to be a blessed and wonderful life.

But at the same time those things are passing and futile and finite. Everything shall turn to dust and nothingness eventually, including me.

I just got a haircut in the office. First of all, how cool is it that I got a free bombass haircut at work today? And second of all, I’m gonna be honest: it looks really good.

When I first heard I could get a free haircut, my first thought was: “I wanna get a really short one.” Yet something held me back from asking for a short one. And that speaks to some part of myself I don’t really like. It’s some self-limiting monster that dwells deep inside me, in a place I’ve never been able to reach. It’s something that I should have expunged by now. The thing that keeps from stepping into the glorious beauty of being myself, and loving that self I am.

4. 20. 30. All are numbers. Only two are about today, and the other one is about two days from now when it will be my birthday. And I feel like that’s the lesson here. The lesson is I’m going to be thirty in two days.

God Bless America.

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