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October 12, 2015

Do you like zombies? Do you also like black-and-white television? Then last night's 'The Walking Dead' Season 6 premiere is right up your alley!

1) What The Fuck Is Going On?

Guys, what the fuck is going on? Minute one, second one and Rick is screaming, “I know this sounds insane!” like a drunk friend trying to add wings to a pizza order. Then we’re looking at zombie Bonnaroo (note to self: create an actual zombie Bonnaroo and profit immensely) and everyone is running to their posts for what is evidently one humdinger of a plan. Is this the premiere? Did I miss an episode? I’ve seen Pulp Fiction and I went to college for 4.5 years to lock down a completely useless media studies degree. I get non-linear storytelling and fully appreciate that the pleasure in dramatic narrative often lies in unanswered questions waiting to be resolved! I FUCKING GET IT! Still confusing and annoying. Oh well, at least they won’t do something asinine like deliver an episode that’s 50% in black and white

2) Didn’t Know Motorcycles Could Go That Slow

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Daryl’s powers know no bounds. He can drive a motorcycle at one mile per hour without it falling over. Also, did this remind anyone else of Daniel leading a horde of zombies last week on Fear The Walking Dead? Because this same thing happened literally seven days ago on the same channel at the same time, just without a motorcycle. The writers are taking ideas from themselves, you guys! So meta! Also lazy!

3) Too Many Band-Aids

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We get it, Rick! You got in a fight! But there’s just no way your face requires that volume of bandages. Honestly, at this point, it would be easier just to place one large bandage over your whole Grimesy face and call it a zombie day. Also, instead of making us suffer through this black-and-white nonsense (that straight up insults the viewer’s intelligence by assuming they have no ability to differentiate between flashbacks) maybe just establish the difference in time passing by the number of band-aids on Rick’s face? Just a thought, you guys! Show, don’t tell! Ah, fuck it. Just go with the black-and-white thing, everybody who watches this show including myself is basically a moron.

4) Morgan’s “Friend”

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Your “friend” taught you these moves? Was your friend green? Did he wear a mask? Was your friend named after a Renaissance artist? Quick follow-up: Did this friend live in a sewer with a rat? WAS YOUR FRIEND DONATELLO OF THE NINJA TURTLES? That’s what I was implying with those questions. Morgan thinks he’s slick; I had moves like those too when I was six years old.

5) #BlackAndWhiteLivesMatter

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I like how this show is so in touch with the fact that any new black character pretty much has an immediate death sentence, so now they’re introducing them two at a time. Who’s going to go first? My money is on the dude with the NOT distinctive haircut. What’s the point of all that haircut character development if you’re just going to kill the guy right away? I wish Vegas took these kind of bets, I would be super rich by now.

6) RV! Also: Balloons

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You guys! It’s an RV! Remember the RV? I miss the RV. The RV from season one, but also the RV from Breaking Bad. AMC really seems to love messed up shit happening in RVs! Also, the balloons are back! Remember the balloons? One of the most beloved and complex characters from last season. Glad they found a practical use for them besides just livening up dinner parties. Also, whoever decided that it had to be three balloons definitely played Mario Kart 64. Stuff only ’90s zombies will remember!

7) Tag Team, Back Again

This was an extremely cool moment between Rick and Teenage Mutant Ninja Morgan, but mostly I just wanted to point out that you can’t read “tag team, back again” without “Whoomp There It Is” automatically playing in your head. But instead of the actual lyrics, it’s just a bunch of garbled consonants and vowels because nobody really knows the lyrics to that song. I don’t miss Tag Team.

8) Binocular Rift

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Binoculars were prominently featured a week ago on Fear The Walking Dead. They also did the POV binoc-shot. Don’t get me wrong, binoculars = one of my favorite characters in The Walking Dead universe, but maybe switch it up. Use a telescope! Morgan would look badass with a telescope. Is there an idea drought in California? Come up with new ideas for these extremely similar shows, please! I watch both of them. I haven’t read a book in seven years. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Sometimes I cry in the shower, it’s whatever.

9) Fuck This Guy

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Ugh. This guy. This guy sucks! I hate him! Hate is a strong word, that’s why I just used it. Also, where was he last season? I find it hard to believe someone this shitty managed to play the background for so long. I hope a zombie bites him right in his stupid face! I wonder how this plays out?

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Hmm. Now he’s proving himself to be useful.

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OK, now he’s shitty again.

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Huh. Looks like he came around!

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Eh. Not gonna miss him. Also: My wish came true! Fun!

10) Take My Baby, Please

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I love how Rick just passes his baby around like a bag of Doritos at a Super Bowl party.

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“I’d love to hold your baby, just let me finish polishing my murder stick.”

Being a child actor is fucked up, but being a baby actor seems super chill. You just have to exist. Is the baby actor staring at your eyes when you’re looking away? Then staring off in the wrong direction when you’re trying to make eye contact? Holding out her baby hands, seemingly to no end or purpose? Perfect! Great job acting like a baby! So believable. The physical embodiment of cinematic verisimilitude. My media studies degree really is worthless.

11) If You’re A Zombie, You’d Be Home By Now

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Remember how I said “Show, don’t tell!” like five minutes ago? Well, you told us the zombies are heading straight to your community. And then you showed us this sign. You did both! How dumb do the writers think we are? Wait, I already know the answer and it bums me out because they’re right. More like “RIGHTERS” am I right?!? Hah. Fuck me. Join us next week! We’ll find out who was honking that horn (I bet it was Carl) and get some more not-so-subtle hints that Maggie is pregnant!