The unspeakable has happened.  One of our most trusted, beloved, and frightening actors, Charlie Sheen, has officially been kicked off TV.  But as we mourn the loss of our “winning” captain, we must also look to the future.  Two and a Half Men cannot survive without a dynamic leading man, so I’ve compiled a list of potential replacements to carry the Sheen torch.

1. Artie Lange (Two and a Halfway in the Grave)

If you’re sick of the drunken, coke-infused ramblings of Charlie Sheen, then get someone with a clean record.  I suggest Artie Lange.  Now there’s a straight shooter.  Not once has he had problems with substance abuse, mental instability, making offensive public statements, uncontrollable weight gain, or general hideousness.  Yup, that Artie Lange is as clean as a whistle.

2. A Day Laborer (Two and a Half Hombres)

Charlie Sheen was costing CBS nearly $2 million an episode.  Get some of that back by paying a day laborer $50 an episode.  Best part is, the day laborer is already more than qualified.  His profession is literally in the field of unskilled labor, making him a perfect fit for Two and a Half Men.  Just throw a bowling shirt on the guy and tell him to tussle the fat kid’s hair every so often.

3. Osama Bin Laden (Two and an al-Qaeda)

He’s the only man on the planet more reckless and terrifying than Charlie Sheen, and he’s still out there somewhere.  He may be a little camera shy, but what footage we have seen of him is just as shocking as Sheen’s Good Morning America interview.  It might take America a little time to get behind this casting choice, but keep in mind that the audience we’re talking about here thinks that Two and a Half Men is quality programming.

4. Yao Ming (Three and a Half Men... The Enormous Chinese Man Counts as Two)

Chinese-born NBA center Yao Ming has been plagued by injuries in recent years, barely spending any time on the basketball court.  This frees him up for other ventures such as television acting.  So what if his heavy, bellowing accent makes him sounds like an anime dragon?  And who cares if his 7’6’’ stature would ruin almost every shot he was in.  You want Two and a Half Men to keep making money for you, CBS?  I’ve got two words for you:  Chinese viewership.

5. A Warlock (Two and a Half Witches of Waverly Place)

Just get an f’n warlock.  Charlie would want it that way.

My name is t.j. and this blog doubles as a casting agency.