Saturday afternoon following Penn State’s game against Nebraska Timothy Ogle was making his drunken way home when he encountered the University mascot The Jolly Old Man peering down from a nearby office. Extra Jolly following his team’s performance, Old Man proceeded to lure Ogle into an alley with promises of Taco Bell and sex and then proceeded to deliver on one of his promises. Thankfully, friend and Fraternity brother Justin Hale was passing by when he noticed the commotion. “At first I thought Timmy was just having sex, so I cheered him on, until I realized he was having sex with Old Man.” Hale explained, “But this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen but I’ve never reported directly to the police because he’s our mascot and it’s sort of a tradition- Maybe I’ll be next!” Hale continued, “I love vaginas and having sex with them.”
Unfortunately for Hale, this lack of reporting hasn’t gone unnoticed. The Penn State’s: Regulation Authority of Pedestrians with Eyesight has issued a statement on behalf of the University and Hale’s terrible offense. “It is a terrible injustice that such crimes should go unreported to the police and we will make sure that this witness is punished for his inaction to the full extent of the law!” RAPE went on to explain, “Sometimes the Criminal Offender, the victims, and even the unfulfilled promises of Taco Bell must take a back seat to the person who has witnessed an injustice and trusted others to do what’s morally sound. This is America!”
It is expected that Hale will relinquish his pedestrian privileges prior to this weekend’s fair weather but little is to be said about the long term consequences of such relinquishments. Many believe that Hale will retire to a wheel chair and dark sunglasses in order to prevent such injustices from reoccurring.
On related note, RAPE has issued Tangerine alert for all pedestrians in the area of the purported incident to keep an eye out for anyone who is witnessing an event and not reporting it.