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November 12, 2011

If you've ever taken a look at a piece of art and said "I feel so deep right now" you might want to take a look at this

When glancing at an artist work many become confused, scared, and get a little thing I like to call "The Munchies." Some people, I'm sorry, ALL people go to art museums to punish themselves for lacking talent and don't hesitate to bring kids along with them to join in on the "Drop kicking myself worth" party. But Young people view the world differently than their responsible (child hating) care takers when they're taken to a Art museum, which I assume that they have been chained up and dragged to. So let us take a peek at what art is really showing us. Or if you're just looking at this to make the world think that you're doing something important, then put on your best serious face and I'll try to make the next couple of sentences not blow so much.

1. The Mona Lisa

The Mona Lisa is known worldwide. Created by Vincent Van Goe who notoriously cut off his ear to pay off casino Debt (not exactly true), the Mona Lisa is regarded as a great work of art. But the Mona Lisa does have some mystery behind her. Think about it, the only thing we know about this person is. . . NOTHING, we know nothing about this person. The only thing we do know is that if you challenge her to a staring contest you will lose, and she would probably laugh at you for losing, like a super villain who just did something bad ass and has to make noises just cause.

It’s hard to know exactly why the Mona Lisa is so popular. In reality, it’s just a portrait of a lady who kind of looks like a guy. Come on, anyone can make a portrait. Except for maybe a dude with half a body. I’m pretty sure he’s much too focused on the fact that half his body is missing to have the time to paint somebody who may or may not be the magician who cut him in two. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” , the only thing is that in this case, you’ve just been tricked into thinking a lady (who might just be a drag queen) is a 9 instead of a 4. But hey, that’s life.

Here’s some things that Mona Lisa is sub-consciously teaching you

· Average looking girls can look good in pictures too. . . kind of

· Having no eyebrows is great for gambling

· Crazy people draw better than you and let’s not forget a woman’s ability to. . . umm. . . Yeah!


 2. The Thinker

The Thinker was created in 1902 by Auguste Rodin. When looking at this sculpture people are mesmerized by the sight of a meditating man who is either battling with his inner demons, or wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

 Mr.Owl, how many licks does it take to find out I poisoned that sucker?

BUT I AINT BUYIN IT. This is obviously showing us that  one clear fact: that being naked in public is ok as long as your thinking. Seriously?! Why is this statue getting a pass on public indecency (which is a crime for all you law school drop outs)? But don’t get me wrong, I love being naked for no reason as much as the next guy with mental disorders. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve danced around my house in the nude, singing with a Microphone and blasting the song “Girls Just Want to Have Fun “. . . mainly because I’ve never done it but still.

People realize that being naked is fun. People also realize that some people just don’t look very “Joe Cool” when their naked. So we go through life day by day knowing that there is a time and a place for everything. And I think that thinking in public when you’re naked is Uncalled for, and or, makes me snore. Rhymes are fun! Dr. Seuess would be proud!

 The Thinker sculpture is still thinking and obscuring his 20th century Dong to this day. And there’s 24 of them in existence. so if you haven’t seen the thinker/Flasher  then don’t worry, your eyes still have a chance to pop out of your head in cartoonish fashion.


That girl Lisa said this wouldn't happen, I hope a piano falls on Lisa

3. The Statue Of Liberty

The Statue of Liberty is an American Icon. Created by Sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi (don’t know who he is either but he seems like he’s the balls), and gifted to the United States by the French, which I think we all can agree that that’s the coolest thing French people have done besides wearing black and white striped shirts and sounding French. The Stature of Liberty means a lot to Americans even if we didn’t want it. Because unfortunately it’s the thought that counts. 


Fun Fact: the thought also keeps you from being a dick
When looking at the statue and knowing the history behind it (which I don’t and don’t really feel like researching), you wonder why the French made up so many stereo types about Americans. And not even cool stereotypes like black guys have big cars or Asians are good at everything. No. Stereotypes like Americans . . . suck in general I guess, that really just sums it up. Some French people think that Americans Suck in general and that’s a shame. Most people I know love the French. They love their hair styles, the way they talk, the black and white striped shirts, everything. A lot of them are from France actually. But I don’t see how that would make them talk good about French people because there are a lot of Americans who suck ass figuratively and literally.

I guess we’ll never know why some French people look down on Americans like a dad looks down on his child for being born (hahahaha! my life is pretty sad). But when we look at the statue of liberty, one thing we do know is: There’s always a  chance that your dream of carrying the torch at the super Olympics will come true.


4. Dogs Playing Poker

This painting was created in 1903 by C.M Coolidge. Dogs Playing Poker is said to represent working class taste. Just by looking at this people begin to think “wow, now that’s really blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah blah blah.” What? I’m not a mind reader, I can’t tell what people think between the hours of 12 A.M and 12 P.M (Local Time). I can’t even tell what the color of my socks are right now. Wait. . .  o that’s interesting. . . they’re hot pink. Dogs Playing Poker is interesting. It’s gives off a message that says

· dogs are just plain out classy

· dogs are really good making you think they’re dogs. When really they're just heartless gamblers

This classic work of art tells us about a little known issue: The gambling problems of man’s best friend. Unlike cats who are born having their shit together, Thousands of dogs worldwide have serious gambling problems. Countless canines have given up their homes, toys, families, and even sell themselves just so that they can get one more hit at a casino. With almost nowhere for these furry debt holders to go, we must all do our part to spread the word of puppy gambling addiction. ASPCA commercials may make you feel like you shouldn’t be alive and are a terrible person even more than you already are, but still look deep inside yourself and think about the adorable doggies. People who are starving in Africa need your help. But puppies are cuter so let’s help them a little faster. DAMN YOU NATIvE AMERICANS! We took your land but don’t take a Chihuahua’s wallet.


Chihuahuas may look confused, but they will shank you for your wallet 

5. Venus De Milo

What Can we say about Venus/Aphrodite? She’s the goddess of love, she’s hot like Beyonce, and mysterious like mysterio. like Santa, nobody really knows when Venus De Milo was made but my guess is that a very pretty lady was walking around top less one day, and out of nowhere medusa shows up, turns her into stone, and takes her arms so she can use them as scratchers (you can’t prove it, but you also can’t NOT prove it). Venus is ancient beauty personified. If she was alive today she would be a 5. And that’s saying a lot for a lady with no arms and a little meat on her bones. Venus is the type of sculpture a man would look at and then begin to rub red lipstick all over his face while screaming “ AM I PRETTY NOW mother?!?! AM I PRETTY?!?!?!?”, obviously that guy has some issue, but my point is that this sculpture is very powerful. And that it can also make grown man go crazy.


Don't get confused, this is just a lip stick enthusiast
Venus De Milo has served many purposes since. . . year negative Zero? It has been inspiration for artists, sculptor’s (who are also artists so I guess this is a double negative), children, old children, the handicapped, fairytales, regular tales, and artists. But this means nothing. What many fail to recognize is that without Venus De Milo



@DavidAyalasOk  I've got 99 problems. . . 100 without you (SO DEEP)