Full Credits

Written for the Savage Henry Magazine Movie Issue #21

Stats & Data

January 26, 2012

Ever wonder what the Twilight films are all about, but too lazy to read or rent movies? Then this is the article for you! Cornell Reid breaks down the entire Twilight franchise into one easy to read article. He's never seen any of the movies or read any of the books, but he thinks he's got a pretty good handle on things.


Twilight is a series about a bunch of kids who like to loiter in a forest.

The films and books star a glittery dumbass. This guy (we'll call him Jeremy...he looks like a Jeremy) walks around the forest looking all sad. He's super goth, but he's also covered in glitter. It's like he shops at 2 places, Hot Topic & Claire's Accessories. Anyway he's walking around the forest wondering why everything seems so grey when he finds this kinda ugly girl. I mean, she's not ugly but she's not hot. She's kinda like a great catch at a community college. Anyway she's super into glitter or super desperate cuz she's totally down to hook up with Jeremy.

One day Jeremy is walking through the forest, like he does everyday, when he runs into a shirtless ethnic guy.

The shirtless ethnic guy (we'll call him Desi) has a lot of pet wolves. Jeremy hates wolves and decides to fight Desi. They're not very good fighters because they're all preteens but it looks kinda cool, I guess.

Then the girl is checking her facebook and is like “I dunno who I like more, Desi or Jeremy. Sure Jeremy is covered in glitter and we could probably shop together, but Desi IS shirtless. Plus he's ethnic so I bet he is really good at sex. This decision is SO hard!”

So she doesn't make up her mind until the very end when she's like “ah glitter's cool.”

I bet Justin Bieber shows up and I also bet there are a lot of songs like in that hit show “Glee.”

I'm pretty sure one of the chapters of this saga is all about Jeremy walking around, being pale and lighting candles in his bedroom.

Another chapter is all about Desi's abs.

The rest of the books/movies can be summed up like this:

Girls cry. Dudes get hella sensitive. Credits roll.