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December 28, 2016
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A solemn warning regarding a silent but vicious enemy.

Spring is near and with it comes warmer temperatures and lifted spirits. But for many local residents there is one major fear that looms ahead; Camel Toe attacks.

The Camel Toe is a highly dangerous creature that is common across many parts of the world, but most threatening in West Central Saskatchewan. Residents have reported sightings year round, but most commonly during the warmer months of the year.

The Camel Toe causes severe damage by invading it’s victim’s line of sight, causing uncomfortable sensations and internal embarrassment in it’s prey.

Area woman *Leanne Shmerler recounts her most threatening attack for the Tattler, saying, “…There I was just wetting my whistle at the pub one night when all of a sudden ‘Thunderstruck’ started playing through the speakers. I froze in fear. I knew that was a Camel Toe calling song.”

Shmerler recalls making panicky eyes at her group of friends, who were all nervously anticipating an attack themselves.

Then it happened.

“BOOM! Two Camel Toes on either side of me, right beside my ears. I know that they can sense fear, so I did my best to feign bravery.”

She adds, “I tried to warn my friends (by referring to the predators via the code name suggested by the Saskatchewan Wildlife Federation, ‘Toe de la Camèl’) but I think these varmints have evolved beyond the outdated defences we have.”

The Camel Toes then sent a telepathic signal to the rest of their herd, and Shmerler was quickly outnumbered. She was ferociously and efficiently devoured by the pack, and to this day bears the emotional scars of the night.

To protect yourself and your loved ones this season, the Wildlife Federation suggests keeping volume levels of Roxette songs extremely low, avoiding public swimming pools, and double checking yourself in a full length mirror before leaving the comfort of your own home.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

-JG

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