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Stats & Data

July 28, 2012

Given the recent media attention, what will happen to the glory holes carved into the bathroom stalls of the 1,600 Chick-fil-A restaurants around the country, and the closeted men who frequent them?

By now we’ve all heard the news about Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy’s anti-gay comments, right wingers like Mike Huckabee that have rushed to applaud him, and the LGBT advocates calling for boycotts of the popular restaurant chain.  Some have even speculated about the unintended consequences for the hardworking men and women of Chick-fil-A restaurants who are simply trying to earn an honest wage.  But what will happen to the glory holes carved into the bathroom stalls of the 1,600 Chick-fil-A restaurants around the country, and the closeted men who frequent them?

Luke Skidmore*, 44, of Auburn, Alabama makes no apologies that Saturday is his favorite of the week.  After 5:30 evening mass, Luke relishes dinner at the Village Mall Chick-fil-A with his wife and two teenage daughters.   A family tradition for nearly five years, it’s always the same order for Luke.   A Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe, an order of waffle fries to split with his wife Lisa, and, “two or three hot sticky loads to wash it down. Man, I wish they were open on the Sabbath, cuz that would really be a Sunday Funday."

Skidmore says he’s going to the fishing section of Sears while his girls shop or catch a movie, but instead circles back to the men’s room at Chick-fil-A.  “The day St. John's did that preview of the Easter pageant and Rob Johnson’s eldest boy played Jesus all sweaty and bare-chested.  Whew.  The whole town was so horned up, as God as my witness, I took six cocks in that one kneeling.” But now Skidmore worries that his Saturday evenings will dry up thanks to “those liberal queers who can’t leave well-enough alone.”  

Spencer White* of Florence, Kentucky shares similar concerns.  “It’s been two days and no one has responded to my craigslist post to breed my sloppy hole down at the Chick-fil-A on Houston Road. If I have to spend one more night on the couch watching America’s Got Talent with Susie…”

White worries the increased media attention on his favorite restaurant will translate into improved maintenance on the men’s room, which has traditionally operated on a quid pro quo policy.  “Yeah the night manager down there has a small prick, but he’s an alright feller.  Let’s me go about my business in the second stall as long as I suck him off once in awhile.  Our sons were on the same Pop Warner team last season.”   

When asked about the dichotomy of his religious beliefs and his late-night actions, White offers this.  “I’m not gonna lie.  It’s a real shit storm in my head right now.  Anyone who defies the biblical definition of marriage is going to burn in a fiery hell.  But this is America, and I have the right to carry my Smith & Wesson and milk a fat anonymous cock with my butthole.”

Back in Auburn, Luke Skidmore considers his options should the glory hole at his Chick-fil-A be patched up.  “The dick at the rest area off route 85 isn’t bad or anything, but they don’t have waffle fries.  Or that uncut red head that growls ‘take my jizz down your throat like the cum-guzzling faggot you are.’  Jeez, I’d miss him.”

*Names have been changed “so those sissy queens don’t start calling and asking to march in their pansy parade.”