or

 

 

PATRICK SWAYZE

An actor best known for playing the role of “Ghost” in the movie of the same name. Demi Moore is also in this movie. At the time of its release, she was married to Bruce Willis. Which probably would have made her life pretty dull by comparison. “Hey, honey, what did you do today?” “I killed several terrorists.” “I did pottery.” The Righteous Brothers are a big fan of the movie “Ghost”. Because their song is playing in the infamous pottery scene, they must get royalties from this movie? Probably. Twenty-two years later, they are still making a kiln’.... (killing). I apologize if that joke was a bit dark for a movie about a dead husband.

 

PATRICK STEWART
 

There are only two words to describe this man. “Bald” and “bold”. If you are familiar with Patrick Stewart’s voice, you will know that he pronounces both those words the same way. As well as “bawled”, “bowled”, and “bulled”. No relation to Jimmy or Martha.

 

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Has the distinction of being an actor who has starred in two movies based on titles of songs. “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Paul McCartney says of that second film, “I watched it high once.” Dempsey is actually Irish-American. He transitioned from teenage heart throb to treating irregular throbbing of the heart on “Grey’s Anatomy” (pun intended). His character is named McDreamy, which sounds like a thing at McDonald’s. The Shamrock Shake should be back by now. Which reminds me...

 

DWAYNE “THE SHAMROCK” JOHNSON

I know that Dwayne Johnson dropped “The Rock” from his name while trying to make it as a more serious actor in more serious films (see: “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”) , but he should bring it back for a sequel-in-spirit to  “The Tooth Fairy” I just conceived called “The Lepra-Con”. The tagline for the movie would be “Putting the con back in lepra-con” and Johnson would star as a bank robber who does a heist that goes terribly awry causing a wizard to turn him into a leprechaun and telling him he will never change back unless he can find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Much of the humor would come from the fact Dwayne Johnson is taller than your average leprechaun. Maybe throw in a scene where a cat swipes at his scrotum, he clutches at it and says, “They’re after me lucky charms”, and we’re gold (pun not intended that time). He would be credited as Dwayne “The Shamrock” Johnson and it will come out next March and please pay me now.

 

PATRICK CHAN

Though everyone and their grandmother caught “Linsanity” fever this season, let’s not forget about the sport world’s other ragin’ Asian darling, Canadian Patrick Chan. He represented Canada in the 2010 Winter Olympics, and though he placed fifth in men’s figure skating, he will always be the Chan-pion in my heart. On placing fifth, he humbly told me, "I guess you dim sum, you lose some." Yes We Chan! He’s been skating for years, and you can’t deny the fact the kid’s got chops(ticks). “Irish” him the very best this St. Patrick’s Day, and it won’t be long til the next time I see him on center ice. Didn’t mean to write “rice” right there. Sorry.

 

PATRICK RICE

Speaking of rices, and Patricks, there is a guy named Patrick Rice who was an Irish human rights activist. I think we should probably be celebrating him this St. Patrick’s Day, though I did not have time to read his entire Wikipedia entry.

 

DANICA PATRICK

If you don’t know who this is, Google her, and if you are at work, use the recommended “moderate” safe-search setting. Though many think she is a race car driver and model, she is actually a life-like robot designed by the Kleenex corporation that encourages people who watch NASCAR to simultaneously combine their love of a) NASCAR and b) masturbating. Thanks to Danica Patrick, you can now masturbate while you watch NASCAR, and not feel weird about it. Much like how Kleenex sponsors the series “Game of Thrones”, which is a series designed for nerds that features lots of full-frontal nudity, allowing viewers to combine their two loves of a) Things that are nerdy such as people talking in accents and saying made-up words while in capes and b) masturbating.

 

I apologize I didn’t research any of these people very well, but you will not notice, because by 3 p.m. on St. Patrick’s Day you will be so drunk you will barely be able to see and will either  be a) conceiving a child or b) selling the one you have to afford a tattoo of a shamrock. Don’t forget to go see “The Lepra-Con”, in theaters March 2013. 

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web