I hate to be a dick, but what’s up man? I don’t want to assume anything here, but it super seems like you think since I’m a convicted sex offender, I wouldn’t notice you using my material in Maroon 5’s new pop music hit “Animals.” Well, I did notice, and it hurt. I appreciate you slurring your words in falsetto as you sing them to obscure the overtly rapey nature of the lyrics, but I have a lot of time on my hands here at the Schwenksville Penitentiary and, guess what? I heard each syllable.
When you came in to interview me, I was initially confused, flattered, and a little star struck tbh – “This Love” truly resonated with me when I was a freshman at Penn State. What was a cool multi-platinum, three-time Grammy-Award winning greaser-candy boy doing interviewing a creep like me? You were so hip in your cuffed short sleeved button down shirt and Dickies, but I was more impressed with the down home approachable vibe you were giving off. I felt like we could be buds! So naturally I opened up to you like a spring flower. I done spilled the beans that were up in the ol’ noggin. Which is kinda on me. I should have kept the imagery of secretly sleeping next to a woman I barely know who wants nothing to do with me, and smearing blood on myself while waiting for the photos I took of her to develop in my photo lab/meat locker, to myself. Especially if I didn’t want anyone to exploit my psychotic episodes in pure misogyny for the advancement of their waning career. But I didn’t, and the next thing I know, I see your oiled body curled around a meat hook swinging to and fro, taunting me with your predictably cut figure and abundant privilege. And that was just the video direction!
I’ll share the blame on that one. I just I cannot accept ripping letters I wrote to my victims verbatim: "Yeah you can start over you can run free, You can find other fish in the sea, You can pretend it’s meant to be, But you can’t stay away from me.” I really wish you didn’t do that. Like, I actually wrote that very much specifically to Becky. Or so I call her. I actually don’t know her name because she is a stranger and called the authorities on my unsolicited advances in the Ponderosa parking lot.
I wouldn’t even be so mad if you didn’t take my catch phrase and use it in your chorus. “Maybe you think that you can hide, I can smell your scent for miles,” that’s mine! Wtf, dude? That took me years to perfect! First, it was “You probably are thinking hiding helps but I’ll sniff you out of wherever you are currently and find you” but that was cumbersome to yell repeatedly at women. So then it became “I know what you’re thinking! Hiding’ll help! But nuh uh because I have big nostrils!” which oddly was more clunky to get out. The point is, it took me a while to streamline the generally predatory sentiment to a catchy verse, and I really wish you didn’t take it and pass it off as your own.
I donno man. It’s just a bummer seeing someone else benefit from my vision,ya know? But I get it. You have a platform that can reach millions of people, why wouldn’t you use it reinforce patriarchal sexual entitlement and rapacious behavior? I’d do the same! Maybe this is all to say that we have more in common than I thought. And you know what, Adam? That’s pretty cool.
$cud (Inmate #352574-002)