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Published May 25, 2009
While I'm no longer able to father children due to my nether regions being vigorously shaken to the point of eruption while sitting on an amp at an outdoor Allman Brothers concert in late 1999, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to impregnate a beautiful Chicano woman in the year of our lord, 1994. Now, 15 years later, my son Tybreeze -- full name Tybreeze Barnaby Jones McKenzie -- is a strong and strapping lad who injects a dose of LSD-laced sunshine into my life every single day. Whether we're off in the park flying some kites, heading out to the stadium to cheer the virtues of good sportsmanship to our favourite baseball team or performing comically modified versions of classic DJ Jazzy Jeff/Fresh Prince songs as the two man rap group "He's the DJ, I'm the Dad" (call in to your local radio stations and request "Parents DO Understand (And I Should Know As A Loving Father"), me and my son have an unbreakable bond of love that enriches both of our lives. Although, not to nitpick, it probably enriches my life a bit more. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want everyone to experience the joys of being a parent before it's too late. You never know when Greg Allman's scorching solo in "Ramblin' Man" can rupture your reproductive organs, and while that scenario is unlikely, there's so many ways and so many Allman Brothers songs out there that can take away your ability to produce a child. So go -- seek out your own metaphorical beautiful Chicano woman/man and strongly hint that you want to create a life with them.
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