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January 25, 2015
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Tired of browsing endless websites, braving never-ending parking structures and long lines at the mall, or racking your brain for the perfect Valentine’s Day gesture? Well I’ve taken that stress off of your hands. Here are the 4 things to make her melt.

Tired of browsing endless websites, braving never-ending parking structures and long lines at the mall, or racking your brain for the perfect Valentine’s Day gesture? Well I’ve taken that stress off of your hands. Here are the 4 things to make her melt.

1) Hydrofluoric Acid

This is the ultimate melter. HF for short, this acid is something straight out of the movies. Good luck even finding a container that can contain this stuff. She will be one hundred percent melted to the floor; stones, gems, gold, metal fillings. It’s not cheap, and difficult to find, but your melt is guaranteed. Just make sure you have calcium gluconate around if she immediately hugs you. If not, you two will be two mushy peas in a disintegrated pod. Love will be in the air, and so will your date, because moments after melting she will evaporate into a deadly gas.

2) Fire

Remember fire, that stuff that burns candles and yule logs? It can also be used to melt your date this Valentine’s Day. In a society where Mad Men wins multiple Emmys, women are looking for that classic man, and that classic gesture. Also, for men on a budget, fire is virtually free. With the proper fuel and oxygen conditions the fire can burn endlessly, which it will have to, to melt her completely. Although the name implies it, fire is not as flashy as other melters. It takes time and consistency, but it will always get the job done.

3) The Liquid Metal That the Terminator Went Into In Terminator 2

The lines at the malls and restaurants will be long this love day, but one place sure to be sparse is your local metal melting factory. Where can you find this melted metal? There are giant bubbling uncovered tubs of it! On most of them there is a dangling chain hovering above. Have your date grab hold of it. A nearby button will start the chain as it slowly lowers into the lava. Your date will melt on contact, and the last thing you will see is her eyes filled with love, and shock that you were able to pull off such a romantic gesture.

4) Thermonuclear Explosions

At Sandia National Laboratories there is a thing called a Z machine. The Z machine is the largest X-ray generator in the world. It releases over 20 million amps of electricity into an array of the finest tungsten wires. It’s usually used to test objects under extreme pressures. But now it can be used to take the pressure off of you. Just call up Sandia National Laboratories and ask them if you can put your date in the Z machine. They may say no at first, but this writer believes that love will prevail, and you might just get the chance to give your love the two billion degree Valentine’s Day to make all of her friends jealous.

Don’t be the guy that just got her chocolates, or that crappy table at a trending restaurant. Truly make her melt and she will never forget. Or remember.

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