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July 23, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In China, the CEO of computer maker Lenovo split up his $3 million bonus among his employees. American CEOs responded by saying not to believe everything you read in the Onion. Coach Joe Paterno's statue has been removed from Penn State's campus. They hope to put it somewhere no one will find it. Unfortunately Joe Paterno was the best person to hide something like that. Poverty is set to hit its highest level since the 1960s. Even worse, we can't send the poor to Vietnam again. The International Olympic Committee rejected a minute of silence for the 11 Israelis killed at the Munich Olympics 40 years ago. Because by that logic, you'd have to give 5.45 seconds to the other two athletes who have died during the Summer Olympics. In related news, the chairman of the Olympics said people wearing Pepsi apparel would not be allowed entry since Coca-Cola is a major sponsor. People wearing Tab apparel will be embraced for their sense of whimsy. Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have both stayed silent on the issue of gun control following the shooting in Aurora, Colorado. Understandable since anyone can buy an assault rifle these days. Rupert Murdoch stepped down from the boards of several News Corp subsidiaries. Murdoch says he wants to give more time to his hobbies: fishing, watching tennis, and keeping his children out of prison. Rumors suggest Tom Cruise is dating a relatively unknown actress. "We're just seeing where it goes," said Katie Holmes. The king of Spain was kicked out of the World Wildlife Foundation for going on an elephant hunt. Interestingly, the last time he was kicked out of the WWF, it was for attacking Hulk Hogan with a chair. Sen. John McCain will appear on a special episode of NBC's "Parks and Recreation." You may recall McCain from his former roles, Wholeheartedly Endorsing George W. Bush for President and Vouching for Sarah Palin's Credentials. China has removed a common term for gay from its dictionary. No word yet on where they will move Tom Cruise's photograph.