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Published August 31, 2012

 

Apparently ghosts just run shit in the South and the South answers back with a big “Why the fuck you here? I buys this house from bank! Get outta here!” All southerners aren’t that ignorant. Hell, I’m from the South but at least I know those people are out there and conning Discovery Channel into buying their bullshit story. The following is a list of things that make the stories in the show hard to believe.

When Men Are Retelling Stories They’re Way More Bad-Ass Than They Actually Were.

In this one episode a woman is having an awful time with this ghost in her house and this big strong man comes over to tell that sonofabitch what’s what. He comes over and talks to the ghost who apparently died on the property sixty years before. The ghost also has two other women spirits held hostage in the house. It doesn’t get more “Die Hard” than that. What does the man do? What any red blooded American would do, he pulls out his Bible and says “Let’s do this!” Actually it was a series of rather stupid questions but when he is sitting in the chair being interviewed he says “ I walked up to him and said we’re going to do this face to face.”

Mind you, if there was a normal run of the mill ghost in my house I would be scared shitless, let alone a ghost that is taking hostages and making demands. Fuck that ghost.

Men always want to appear John Wayne esque but that also makes all these stories unbelievable. If he had said “I was scared! The warm drizzle of the pee started to make its way down may leg as I screamed “Get outta here ghost!” I would be more than willing to give that guy the benefit of the doubt. He reminds you of that kid in high school that said he was on a diet but was actually sneaking honey buns in his bookbag. I was that kid and I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.

Teenagers That Act Like Dicks are Always Possessed by a Demon.

As many demon possessions as I have seen on this program, you would think these assholes are just going door to door and possessing whoever answers. In one of the episodes I viewed this teenager a rather pudgy fellow is just constantly angry all the time. HE IS POSSESSED! I was a pudgy teenager once and I know that I was angry all the time because I hated myself and what my body was going through. No need to call Discovery and sell them this story. Teenagers are just shitty. Granted this kid told his mom a demon scratched his back which most likely was  just a cry for attention.

On another episode a teenage girl begins acting strangely and things start missing around the house. So of course this is a demon and not a little bitch with a stealing problem. Anyway stranger things do start to happen like the things start showing back up. THE GHOST FEELS REMORSE, RUN!!!!

Hauntings Always Happen in a Formula.

Say what you want about ghosts, they stick to the rules. They don’t haunt people that have owned houses for years, only the new assholes. They also have a few other rules to which they have to abide.

  • Don’t just come out and show yourself as a ghost, fuck with them a little bit and make them think they are going crazy.
  • When you’re prepared to let your presence be known with out a doubt,  only show yourself to the woman that already has a few loose ends.
  • When a mortal comes in and just bosses your little transparent ass around, you have to obey them.

Indian Burial Grounds

What is this a Stephen King novel? According to “A Haunting” these things are literally everywhere. Beware the next time you have a picnic you might trip on one of those voodoo Indian guy’s faces. There is never just a peaceful indian burial ground, all of them practically were devils. Now the white man has built a condo on their land and boy are they up in arms about that. Enough so as to haunt the shit out of it. 

I have watched plenty of these episodes to come to a conclusion that it is most likely all bullshit. Hear me out, it is entertaining whether you are making fun of it or pouring salt around your sofa so the devils don’t get you. Next time you’re surfing through the channels and it is on, stop and enjoy the stupidity of yourself or the rest of the world.

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