Yeah, I know, Donald Trump is running for president again. Haha, very funny. I’m sure all you late night hosts and comedy websites out there can’t wait to chime in with your little jokes and skits about what a pompous, tacky blowhard my husband is and how he’s making a mockery of our political system and blah, blah, blah. But while you guys are busy laughing it up, I’M the one out there on the front lines having to kiss him on the mouth and suck on his curdled little penis.

You comedians think you’re taking him down a peg with your spoofs and send-ups but really, you’re just making my job worse. Do you have any idea how horny attention makes him? You think he cares if it’s negative? Your jokes are only spreading the flames here and I’m the one getting burned on the deal.

We’ve been through this many times before and I’ll tell you right now that criticism and mockery don’t phase Donald Trump. They only make his shriveled, canned hot dog penis all the more revved up and ready to go. And the only one being inconvenienced here is me, the woman who has to mouth-kiss his orange, spitty lips after he steps offstage at one of these campaign events where he yells about Obama and Mexicans and how websites only cost three dollars.

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I have to tongue-kiss this man and suck on his penis.

I know what you’re thinking: “You married the guy! You knew what you were getting into.” And you know what? You’re right. I signed up for this of my own free will and I’m fine with it. The agreed upon duties of a Trump™ wife are 1) serving as arm candy, 2) child rearing, 3) mouth kissing, and 4) putting Donald Trump’s penis in your mouth on a semi-regular basis for the next 7–12 years. At which point he’ll re-up on a younger, hotter arm-candier/penis-mouther and I’ll be relieved of my duties and free to move on with my life. What can I say? It’s a job and it pays well. But that doesn’t mean you all have to make my job WORSE by keeping his name in the news cycle with your viral goofs and gags, getting him all horned up and ready to kiss.

Seriously, picture making out with Donald Trump. Not like, in theory — really imagine it. What do you think his mouth tastes like? Here, I’ll help you:

Some things that Donald Trump’s mouth tastes like
-steak juice and dirty coins
-a hoarder’s house
-spoiled grapes and aspirin
-quail eggs, teeth whitener, and lies

And don’t even get me started on what his DICK tastes like. Some things are too awful even for the internet.

So go ahead and goof on his hair, or his tan, or the fact that this campaign is most likely a publicity stunt to promote the upcoming season of The Apprentice. Honestly? I don’t know why he’s running for president and I really don’t care. All I know is that all this attention means a big upswing in an otherwise manageable amount of him slobbering on my face and begging me to put his chalky little pee pee in my mouth and move it around until he cums, or “Trumps” as he calls it.

And to Jon Stewart, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, and all the other wiseguys out there getting my husband all hot and bothered by saying his name out loud, I say this: I don’t come down to where you work and slap the dick into your mouth.

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