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January 28, 2016
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It no longer makes sense to pretend to use a banana as a phone, but finally we have a REAL solution.

American people of earth, there was once a time when any one of us could pick up a common banana and pretend it was a telephone. We no longer live in that time. Today, this image is as antiquated and regressive as racism:

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An image from pre-2000’s America where young fun-havers found it “hilarious” to pretend a banana was a telephone.

Today our phones are small, thin glowing rectangles. If you showed a modern iPhone or Android Device to someone 50 years ago they would have to be insane to declare it is “shaped like a banana.” Yet here we are, with the same old bananas shaped like the same old phones now used only by the elderly and prison inmates.

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A scene from modern times, where a similar “jokester” pretends a banana is a phone and young people of today are left wondering “what kind of abstract nonsense is this?”

It’s time we used our science to create a new banana, one genetically engineered to look like an iPhone or an Android Device. These bananas should be thin rectangles that can slide easily into your front pants pocket. You should be able to flip it out at a moments notice and pretend you are sending an email, taking a “selfie,” Snapchating or, yes, making a phone call, but all with a silly “smart banana.”

It would also be ideal if this smart banana’s top surface rotted in such a way that it looks like it is displaying a popular, modern website. Can you imagine what fun this new banana would be? Or are you too stuck in the old banana paradigm to imagine this? Well, behold, our prototype for this new banana.

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The banana of the future. Imagine how funny it would be to pretend this is phone!

I’ve been told time and time again by people I trust that the current bananas we eat are going extinct due to a fungus of some kind. Could this be the “disruption” we have been waiting for? Let no good crisis go to waste, they say, and the same is true for funguses that kill all bananas! It would be ideal if the new bananas also came with tiny “bluetooth” bananas that can easily slide into the ear.

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The humorous situation of pretending a tiny banana is a bluetooth ear piece such as one a busy professional would use. Imagine pretending this man is a “banana-tooth douche” what uproarious laugher could ensue!

This is an innovation that is long overdue. Try it, go up to a child born post-9/11, put a banana to your ear and act like you are on the phone. The child with laugh at you…not with you. For, to them, pretending a banana is a phone would be like pretending a guitar is a kitten’s skull: it just doesn’t make sense.

Here is the new banana in action:

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The “funny-man” of this friend group mocks “texting” on the new smart banana.

Look at how goofy and playful this is. Now THAT’S what a banana is all about.

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Taking a selfie… with a banana!?! Now this “goofball” is splitting some sides.

In so many ways this is the banana advancement we have all been waiting for. Remember that ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone song? It’s time to acknowledge have entered a post-ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone era. This is the vibrate vibrate vibrate vibrate vibrate vibrate vibrate vibrate banana smart phone era. Unless you are over 50, then it’s the some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone some shitty too loud ringtone smart phone era. And it’s time our bananas reflected that.

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…And of course the classic made new once more. Thank you, Smart Banana.

So go ahead, contact your local geneticists and banana tech laboratories and demand a new smart banana. If not for us, then for our children. We can’t let something as funny as pretending a banana is a phone just fall away and become yet another victim of the merciless forward march of tech.

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