Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 22, 2015

Wanting someone who doesn't want you can be tough. Find out how to counteract that.

1. Set Fires To Stuff


Anything. Everything. Sure. Fires! Women/men love a man/women who can set fires. It sets fires in their pants. Set fire to their pants. They love that shit. Especially if they think of you as a friend. Remove all sense of trust.

2. Understanding


Understand that “friendzone” is a subjective term, as is “friendship”. I’ve been best friends with my buddy Will for over a decade and we haven’t had sex, but sex is subjective. Butt sex is subjective! Friends still can have sex. In fact a friend of mine said that he married his best friend and I am pretty sure that they had sex. Which is total bullshit, cause I was Will’s best friend first and then some “lady” comes along and suddenly she’s his best friend and they get to have sex? Fucking thanks Daniella.

3. Go to a Different Timezone


Friendzones don’t even exist in some timezones. Go far away from the person you want to have sex with and who only wants to be your friend, because you’re ugly and have a shitty personality.

4. Try Being Friends


Friends are nice to have. Even having friends who won’t let you slam your genitals into them can be fulfilling. My friend Ross, I wouldn’t put my dick anywhere near. But he’s a cool guy to hang out with. Except that he doesn’t smoke cigarettes anymore.

5. Off Yourself


Fucking quit your bitching and off yourself in the most melodramatic way. Take a bunch of pills, get behind the wheel of a car and drive while you try to write your death manifesto, you ugly, whiney, piece of garbage, with a shitty personality, who can’t fathom someone not wanting to touch your gross weirdo genitals.

6. Slam Your Genitals Into Random Objects


You’re all like, “ahhh friendzone genitals”. Well stop it. Take them biddly parts and just ram them into things. Like a wall. Find a nice, cherry oak desk and just straight-up grade-eight dry hump that biddy. If that doesn’t settle things down, take a hammer to them because you’re fucked up.

7. Write a Kickass Article


Everybody loves words. They get dem dicks up and the vaginas cranked to the max (triple times, if your spelling/grammar’s all cranked out). So just be cool and write a dumb article about some bullshit that isn’t even a real thing. People think a friendzone is a real thing because they are sad inside and think the world is against them. And it is.

8. Fully Comprehend That You Are a Pathetic Person Who Will Die Alone


No explanation needed.