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Published April 04, 2013

 

WASHINGTON — According to a recent PEW Research Center study which is technically true, 47% of the U.S. population is opposed to gay marriage while precisely no one in the remaining 53% is a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

While critics of the way this study has been worded claim that PEW researchers have intentionally skewed their results by phrasing it as though all opposers of gay marriage are KKK sympathizers, the PEW Center maintains that their words are quite technically accurate.

As PEW Center Spokesman James Cleary put it, “It’s a simple observation, really. It just so happens that not a single one of the 53% of Americans who support marriage equality are, at the same time, donning white hoods and committing hate crimes. It’s just a fact.”

Added Cleary, “What the other 47% are up to on Friday nights, well that’s not for me to say.”

Cleary concluded his thought, saying, “No one said anything about those who oppose gay marriage being affiliated with the white supremacist hate-group known as the KKK. I know I never said anything like that.”

Area Man Clem Hatefield – who vehemently opposes gay marriage – says of the study, “This is an outrage! To lump good, Christian people in with the Klan is atrocious. The only reason I don’t support gay marriage is because I’m a Christian and the Bible is very clear on this issue. The Bible says that gays should not get married, so I can’t support it, lest I do something the Bible explicitly tells me not to do.”

“Jesus Christ Almighty,” added Hatefield in vain.

Echoing Hatefield’s sentiment, Local Woman Mary Bickit said of the study, “The way this study is worded is, at its most basic level, patently untrue. I oppose gay marriage, but that doesn’t mean I support the Klan.”

In response to Bickit's comment, the PEW Center released a statement, saying, “Doesn’t it, Mary? … Doesn’t it?”

At press time, the Ku Klux Klan expressed gratitude to the 47% of Americans who oppose gay marriage for “standing alongside us during this historical time,” and added that “even though we may not always see eye to eye, it’s nice to know that we’re fighting on the same side this time around.”

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