It’s nearly Thanksgiving, which means we’re just days away from an answer to the question on everyone’s lips: “Which turkey is President Obama gonna pardon this year?”
Let’s take a look at our 2015 finalists and their odds out of Vegas.
Jennifer Barton, Age 3
Normally President Obama pardoning a female would be unheard of, but when Jennifer was asked the question, “What would I do with my newfound freedom” her remarks were so eloquent and thought-provoking that grown men wept. More than any other turkey, she has a real chance at seeing December. Look for her to parlay this experience into a successful speaking tour of colleges.
Odds: 2 – 1
Ryan Thompson, Age 4
This turkey I’m REALLY hoping gets pardoned because, full disclosure, he’s mine. And he’s more than just a pet; he’s a member of the family. Obama’s Secret Service swooped him up in the middle of the night while we were both asleep in my bed. I’m pretty upset about the whole thing but let’s hope the GoFundMe I’ve started is enough.
Odds: 4 – 1
Jeff Polanski, Age 1
As the youngest in this competition, unfortunately, Jeff is also the most tender. Obama’s not gonna ignore this and, personally, I don’t blame him. This dude looks fucking delicious. Look for Jeff to definitely be among the cooked next week.
Odds: 10 – 1
Matt Mayer, Age 2
Unlike the rest of the turkeys in his competition, Matt is the only one who has something to be pardoned for. While his competitors are guilty of nothing, Matt actually killed Hae Min Lee. And when Adnan was arrested, he said nothing. Personally, I hope this guy is one who gets eaten but, as we all know, our justice system is severely broken.
Odds: 5 – 2
Jessica Neel, Age 2 .5
This turkey is DEFINITELY gonna be put to death because it bit Malia. Sorry, Jess.
Odds: 100000000 – 1
George Poitras, Age None of Your Damn Business
This turkey is the only one in the competition who actually wants to die. His wife left him for his sister and both his kids think he’s an asshole. His bossed fired him on his birthday and he recently got some devastating medical news. This turkey will be eaten on Thanksgiving if he has to walk into the oven himself.
Odds: A Billion – 1
Joshua Steinfeld, Age 14 Months
We’ve just been given word Joshua hanged himself in his cell last night. According to the warden he was juicy and delicious.
Odds: 0 - 0
Beatrice DeMornay, Age 5
This turkey is expected to have a pretty poor showing in the swimsuit competition because she’s ugly as fuck. I mean maybe we have one of those She’s All That things going on but, honestly, you could tell the girl in that movie was hot before she took her glasses off. Beatrice is just … well she’s fucking gross. Sorry if that sounds mean or whatever but it’s true.
Odds: 20 – 1
Clancey Higgins, Age 4
This turkey is trying a “reverse psychology” thing on Obama and America is really interested in seeing if the strategy pays off. Every time Clancey’s been interviewed from prison he’s been like, “Sorry I’m late, I’ve been busy basting myself all day. I’m really, really juicy right now. Are you getting so hard imagining shoving pieces of bread inside me? Oh who are you kidding? You don’t have the fucking GUTS to eat me!” Honestly, IDK if this is gonna work cause he sounds tasty af.
Michael McDaniels, Age 15
Already in the winter of his life, this brave turkey actually volunteered to be among those eaten to help protect his children. It was super brave and really touching. It was like that scene in Hunger Games where Katniss was like, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!” to save that other chick. Unfortunately, no one wants to eat a 15-year-old turkey so he may have inadvertently fucked everyone and end up being the pardoned.
Odds: 2 –1
Who Wants To Pardon a Turkeyairs November 25th live on NBC.