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October 01, 2010

Equal opportunity offending

Now i'm not a racist,
i just don't like puerto ricans.
all the other hispanics are fine,
just not puerto ricans.
though i must admit
i do find their rum amazing.
then again,
captain morgan was only the governor of puerto rico
he wasn't actually puerto rican.
that my college drop out friends was your history lesson for the day.

further more,
i've found that i am not to drunk to land this plane.
interestingly enough i have no idea where the plane went,
nor do i have a pilot's license.
but i can still do it damnit.
what was i just talking about?
probably something antisemitic.

there is something in the air tonight dear reader(s?)
and it smells alot like pussy.
the delicious part of the female anatomy,
not the animal.
because i hate cats,
they are demonspawns from the deepest region of hell.
or if your like me and aren't religous,
demonspawns from new jersey (fucking Jersey Shore)

when the cop says "i'm letting you off with a warning"
refrain from yelling out after him "does this mean i can keep my weed?"
this my friend will result in you getting pulled out through the window.
and like most great stories it ends with the simple phrase
"officer the handcuffs are hurting me"

i strongly urge you to never drink and drive,
unless you know, you have too.
like when you need to bring the kids to school,
or go to your DWI hearing, after all you're losing your license anyway.

now there aren't alot of things that bother me (this is a lie)
but i do find old people painfully annoying.
admit it, you feel the same way,
like when an old lady pays for everything in pennies.
plus there is that smell of death and bengay they always carry around.

i imagine that amish people have alot of sex, though not just with people.
solely because they don't have tv.
i know what you're thinking "great going after the amish how low will you go next?"
well i can sink lower.
because i've found that a deaf guy can't hear an assassin approaching.
i know this deaf guy and i don't like him, but i don't know how to say it.
because i don't understand the whole hand thing.
that's a sign language joke for you retarded people out there
if you're retarded and you're offended by that,
you aren't really retarded, take off the helmet and get a job, retards can't read.

i sincerely hope i've offended at least one of you reading this, then again only one person is going to read this.
so i hope you are fully offended
douche bag.
i'd talk to you more, but your lazy eye makes me feel like you aren't fully involved in the conversation.