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February 16, 2017
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Advice for future stalkers of celebrities.

Celebrity Stalker

Why be a celebrity when you can stalk one? Stalking can be quite a satisfying lifestyle. (Not hobby. Not job. A lifestyle.) Stalking creates a wonderful, giant, vicarious world within which you can have a grand ol’ time being stalkerly. Sure, celebrities might not acknowledge your existence, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to acknowledge theirs. Although it is demanding, a glimpse of your celebrity every year or two makes it all worth it, especially if they are in their underwear. Remember, by stalking them, you are paying them the ultimate compliment. Nothing quite says, “I admire you” like infatuation and long-lens bikini pics on the beach. Besides, you get to wear cool sunglasses and trench coats and a bulge where an AK-47 might be. True stalkers constantly work on refining their techniques. Here are 14 tips of the trade for becoming a successful and devoted stalker:

1. First, talk like you know celebrities personally. After all, you do know them; they just don’t know you. Refer to them by their first name or some pet name, like Sweetie Jolie or Honey Bun Pitt.

2. Dress like them. Talk like them. Practice their autograph. Change the part of your hair. Memorize every detail of their lives– everything from the brand of toilet paper they use to the floor plan of their house. Not only is imitation the highest form of flattery, but a successful stalker must fully understand the mind of the stalkee(s), as well as scare other people with their transformation. Perhaps join a tribute band.

3. In a corner of your room, build a shrine to the special celebrity. Cut out pictures of them from magazines and paste them on the wall. Heart stickers welcome. Fill the corner with commercial memorabilia of them or items you pulled out of their trash. Anything they touched or spit upon is an object of worship. After all, it has their DNA. Every body hair that ends up in the trash is a gift from the heavens. Remember, no memorabilia is too purposeless to collect.

4. Interpret random quotes from the religious text of your choice as meaning that you and your celebrity were meant to be together. If you can’t find anything, try cutting and pasting words from other religious texts. It’s amazing how much knowledge you can acquire/create when you cut and paste words from famous, religious texts, such as the Koran, Bible, Talmud and Barbar the Elephant and what great ransom notes they can make (if necessary).

6. Some people may be disturbed by your healthy infatuation. Ignore them. Your celebrity doesn’t like them anyway. They don’t have the unique and profound relationship that you have with your celebrity, and honestly, really, they never will. They’ll never understand.

7. If you write to celebrities and don’t get a letter back, write more letters. They obviously didn’t receive it. If no writing utensils available, use blood. Also, feel free to use the paste-words-from-religious-texts method, also! It’s great for everything!

8. If your celebrity has a significant other that really should be you, threaten the significant other. Confrontations should often include baseball bats and chains. This should not be a quick and easy death. Send a dismembered hand to the celebrity so that they “get the idea” that now they are “free.” Somebody has to look out for your celebrity! They’re relationship-retarded. They keep dating and breaking up because they are looking for their true love–you. If only they met you…it would be love at first sight..but you can’t meet them…because you’d be arrested…immediately..not that there’s a restraining order…your celebrity just doesn’t understand love. *sigh*

9. Every waking moment your celebrity wants to be with you. Remember that when the restraining order comes. The police don’t understand true love either.

10. Renounce all people who are not a fan of your celebrity. They’re ignorant buffoons. Even if your celebrity is racist or sexist or anti-Semitic, that’s their opinion, and opinions should be respected. All those who oppose other people’s opinions are bigots themselves .

11. Just because their number is unlisted doesn’t mean they don’t want you to call them. They just don’t want other people to call. Slip your phone number with the message, “Feel free to call me-your devoted stalker” beneath the door. (Remember – no fingerprints!) Heavy breathing by you on the other end of the phone is a perfect way to let them know you exist and would like to go out for a date.

12. Some people do not realize that there is a major difference between stalkers and creeps—creeps are stalkers that have been identified. Even stalkers hate creeps.

13. There is an international conspiracy to prevent you from communicating with your celebrity. They (and not your celebrity) are responsible for many obstacles, such as fences, guard dogs, barbed wire, guards, locked doors, and moats. These are to keep creeps away.

14. If anything bad happens while you’re stalking, run away. Fast! They just don’t understand!

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