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November 19, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Wearing a Guy Fawkes mask has been declared illegal in Dubai. Though officials have yet to close the loophole left open for Fox Guy masks.

In Paris, an anti-gay protest led by a Catholic group turned violent when topless Ukrainian feminists showed up. Because nothing says you hate gay people like turning violent at the sight of a naked woman.

Hamas has stated they will only stop firing rockets into Israel if the Israelis end their blockade of the Gaza territory. A real Catch-22 since Israel will only end the blockade once every Palestinian kills him or herself.

In his first presidential trip abroad since re-election, President Obama is visiting Bangkok. "Attaboy," said a confused yet nonetheless self-confident Joe Biden.

While in Thailand, Obama said he supports "Israel’s right to defend itself" against Hamas's missile strikes. Also their right to turn people's attention away from the ongoing massacre in Syria.

CEO of News Corp Rupert Murdoch recently said, “Why is the Jewish-owned press so consistently anti-Israel in every crisis?” For example, just look at all these things the Jews run: http://www.cjr.org/resources/?c=newscorp

200 storm-damaged homes are set to be demolished in New York City. Owners can expect their residences to be rebuilt quickly and efficiently since they have nothing to do with 9/11.

The last installment of the Twilight series was the No. 1 movie over the weekend. Also No. 1? Anyone who didn't see the last installment of the Twilight series over the weekend.

Two LAPD helicopters collided on Saturday with no casualties. The officers said it was amazing but stopped short of calling it miraculous, as no black people were arrested.

A woman who drove her car onto an airport runway is claiming she wasn't aware her child was with her. Said the woman, "I don't even know what a woman is."

San Francisco officials will vote on whether to ban nudity in most public places. Unlike the current law, where it's only prohibited near food being prepared and zoos on even days.

Stamp prices will increase on January 27. Meanwhile, increasing on January 28 will be the number of people in post offices saying, "Gah! Again?! When was that announced?"