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January 20, 2010


BIZZAR TALES #3: Think inside the box.

All it takes is one good idea! One idea and your on easy street! So far I’ve had a billion and one good idea’s! And I’ve brought them all to life!... only too find out that someone made it before me… In the last year I’ve invented the Hoobler, niker, and super fantastical rub-a-dub self controlled joy rod… Also known as Shampoo, Velcro and… dildo.
         I am a joke among the inventive community… Every day I arrive at the paten office and present my idea… and every time the clerk laughs in my face and says “Its called a baseball!”, “It’s a George Forman Grill!”, “…The printing press was invented hundreds of years ago…” or my latest embarrassment “That’s a wheel Dr. D. Trickle… Its literally everywhere you look.”
         You see… That was the final straw… All my amazing mental powers are now being set on one objective… an invention that will silence the laughs of that damn clerk and every member of the scientific community that has even snickered at the name Dr. Dick Trickle!
          I will invoke the doomsday by creating… the… um… shoot… I know I’ll passé around in my lab coat in front of a chalk board and that will inspire me!... Ok… Back and forward… back and forward… back and forward… OH! I HAVE IT!
          I’ll quickly etch with my chalk before I lose my vision. A line here… a curve here… two triangles… three lines on each side for… whiskers… DAMN IT! I’ve drawn a kitty again!
          I must think… Think… Think… What would Da Vinci do? What would Edison do? What would Dr. Emmett Brown do?... Please great inventers of the past… guild me so I may destroy the earth and all that you have created!...
          Hmm perhaps I should invent some kind of projectile device to launch these… what did that infernal clerk call them… Bullets… I invented… Nah, that’s stupid… Maybe if shape the end of my ‘super fantastical rub-a-dub self controlled joy rod’ into a dull point of some sort I could use it as a prodding weapon… nah people would just laugh at it for being shaped like a willy… if only it were possible to split the atom…
I fall to my stool after hours of pondering… hours of stupid idea’s and silly notions… I fall to my stool and I find myself staring at my chalk board… my brain numb and un active. I stare at the doe eyes of the kitten I’ve drawn. No blinking, no breathing… just staring at the kitten… until I grab the chalk once more and begin to draw kitty after kitty.
Big ones, small ones, fuzzy ones, happy ones, cranky ones, ones that hate Mondays, ones that are neutered, some that are visibly not… and when it is all finished… I draw a box around them… a box full of kittens… I have my idea…

         The next day I arrive at the paten clerks office. He rolls his eyes as he sees me approach his desk. What a fool! What an arrogant fool he is! If only he knew that to day I had my idea… my one good idea…
         I drop the cardboard box on the desk and he opens it himself… a smug look on his stupid foolish face!... What a fool he is!
         He leans towards the box and he sees it… he sees my greatest invention!...
         “Its just a box full of kittens…” he says.
         “I would like to paten it please.”
         “…Its just a box full of kittens…”
         His brain is numb, no blinking, no breathing… just staring at the kittens. He does not know that he is staring at the thing that will be his undoing…
          “No… not just a box full of kittens…” That foolish clerk still sits with his face above the kittens… just as I planned… I draw a remote control from my lab coat and pull the small metal switch on the top and… KA BOMB!
          The kitty’s all erupt! Sending kitty shrapnel into the clerks face and torso, ripping him to ribbons! There is nothing more malicious than a box full of kittens! Or in this case… a box full of kitten bombs!...
           It was well staring at that chalk board that I realized… everything sane and rational has already been done… so yes… I am a little mad… I suppose… but my crazy idea has just been purchased by the U.S government… So I cant be that crazy now can I?...

           By the way… if your in the middle east and you see a box full of abandoned Kitty’s… just keep walking…
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