1. Make a to-do list
Sort out your priorities for the week in a clear list, with each task ranked by importance. This will help you focus on your goals for the week to come.
2. Check the Twitter and Instagram accounts of all your enemies
What are those bastards up to? Only one way to find out. Most importantly, it looks like a lot of them attended your ex’s wedding this weekend. See? You wouldn’t have known that if you hadn’t checked.
3. Practice calendar management
Take a look at your schedule for the week and anticipate any conflicts. Also, take note of anything you’ll need to set aside time to prepare for. You know who was never this organized? Your ex.
4. Check your ex’s wedding hashtag
This is totally a sign that his life is winding down while yours is just taking off. You’re destined for bigger things, you would never have been happy as his wife, even if he HAD asked. Anyway, you’ve got so many better things going on….wait, did he meet his new wife while you were dating? What the fuck?
Exercise can help you focus your mind, increase your energy, and lose so much weight your enemies wouldn’t dare challenge you. Be sure to post a picture of your rockin’ bod to instagram under your ex’s wedding hashtag for full effect. Do you guys think they hooked up when we were on that break?
6. Check the Facebook profile of your ex’s new wife.
I realize this list was only supposed to be 5 things, but with this new information, we’ll just need to check a few more things out before we can start our week off right. Your ability to adapt has always been one of your best qualities. Of course she has all her privacy settings up. She clearly has something to hide. But they’ve definitely known each other since before you broke up. So. I’m just saying that seems weird. He never mentioned her.
7. Organize your inbox
Make sure you aren’t sitting on any important emails that need your attention. Especially since one of them might be from him.
8. Ask one of your mutual friends out for drinks to collect information.
Look, it’s been *years*, ok? You’re not mad you just would like to know, and surely this person whom you’ve considered a friend for a very long time would level with you so you can move on.
9. Cut off all your hair.
You don’t need hair, you don’t need men, you don’t need anybody! You are your own glorious person and you’re finally going to let your inner goddess out into the sun for all to see.
Realize you’ve spent most of your morning making a listicle you aren’t getting paid for and that’s already twice as long as the headline said it would be. Realize this is indicative of just the kind of unlovable failure you’ve always been. And now you don’t even have any hair.
11. Follow up on any outstanding projects
Or don’t, who cares, we all die alone anyway.