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June 05, 2014

The powers that be have decided to call it Super Bowl 50 instead of Super Bowl L. The letter L is not happy.

Choosing ‘Super Bowl 50’
Over ‘Super Bowl L’ is Bullsh*t

Super Bowl XXX, Super Bowl XL, Super Bowl 50.

In the above sentence, does anything there seem a little odd, a little jarring? I’ll tell you what it is — the 50. It’s wrong. It should read Super Bowl L, because L is the Roman numeral for 50. But it doesn’t. Why? Well, the NFL just announced that because I’m “not as pleasing to the eye,” they are going with the regular numbers instead of a solid, solitary L. I’m out, and a 5 and 0 are in. Just like that.

This is bullshit. I’ve been excited about this Super Bowl since the NFL started using Roman numerals back with Super Bowl V. As soon as I saw V get its moment to shine on the national stage, I looked ahead to 2016, the year of Super Bowl L. My year. No X’s to share the spotlight, no I’s to photobomb the big moment, just me, all alone with those iconic words, “Super,” and “Bowl.”

I would finally get the respect I deserve. No more being forgotten as a middle letter, a tall freak at the helm of incredible words like “Love,” “Luminary,” and “Laser,” who must also simultaneously wallow in the front of depressing words like “Lose,” “Lard,” and “Lisp.” I don’t just start words, either — I’m also a word caboose, a dancer in the middle, a doubled-up power hitter, heavily pronounced in some words, silently passed over in others. I’m the fucking blue-collar work horse of the Greco-Roman alphabet, and not once did I complain! Why should I, when I lived my life hugged by the promise of headlining the goddamn Super Bowl in 2016? Super Bowl L! I told everyone, including my fiancé, &. But I guess expecting a league of concussions to honor tradition is asking way too much.

To call this a marketing problem is a total coverup. They simply don’t trust people to get it. It’s not that I’m not pleasing to the eye — they think the L will confuse people. I guarantee that’s what it is. Well, you know what, NFL? America’s not as dumb as you believe. They can take an L. They can put it together. The L’s been in there the last nine years, for fuck’s sake. The L would work!

Not pleasing to the eye?! What the hell are you saying? Look, I just Googled myself and these are the first 19 things that showed up:

Screen Shot 2014-06-05 at 2.12.56 PM.png

At least six of those would be PLEASING-TO-THE-EYE GOLD next to the words “Super Bowl.” Check out that L on fire. That’s badass and beautiful as hell. So I just proved that you marketing fakes are all a bunch of liars. Hey! “Liars” — another word I captain that is looking really good right about now.

Not pleasing to the eye?! Ever hear of a little show called The L Word? I’m the star of that show! Do you know how many more lesbians you would get watching your show with me up there? I have my own New York subway train! I connect Manhattan, home of the Empire State Building, and Brooklyn, home of the hipster. People love me when I’m operating correctly!

Am I really not an attractive enough letter to stand on my own? V and X are sexier than me, is that what you’re saying? I’m tall, slender, and cool! Is it because of the whole L is for “Loser” thing? Well, I hate to break it to you, NFL, but someone Loses every fucking game!

You know what? I’m done with you, NFL. If you aren’t willing to give me my one year in the sun after all I’ve done for you, I’m out. The “L” is officially out of this game. Better find a good replacement soon, because the “NF"doesn’t look very pleasing to these eyes. And without me, you’ll have to start calling it footba, which makes you all sound like a bunch of infantile morons.

Don’t like it? Call my lawyers. Lawyers love me, because without me, they’re just a bunch of Awyers, and that sounds terrible.

Find the "L” in this, assholes: