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April 07, 2015
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For as long as man has enjoyed the art of costuming, he has toyed with the idea of looking like a horse. However, what if the other shoe, that is, the other horseshoe, has finally dropped?

For as long as man has enjoyed the art of costuming, he has toyed with the idea of looking like a horse.However, what if the other shoe, that is, the other horseshoe, has finally dropped? What if horses have finally figured out how to dress up like people? St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jordan Walden just might be that which makes us realize we are through the looking glass.

Exhibit A: Walden’s pitching style

Without doing too much research into this broad, sweeping statement, we can firmly say that no one in the history of the world has a pitching style like Walden. Milliseconds before releasing the ball, both of his feet completely leave the ground for just a moment. It’s an astounding act to watch, that is,astounding if he’s a human.

Where else have we seen someone, or something, in the midst of competition, lift all of its feet entirely off the ground? That’s right. Bingo. You got it. A horse. A horse lifts all of its feet off the ground.

Exhibit B: Walden is super tall

Is every tall person a horse? Absolutely not. But the fact remains, at 6-foot-5, Walden could easily be hiding a horse body underneath that uniform, especially if we’re talking a Li’l Sebastian-style pony.

Exhibit C: Bojack Horseman

If you were a horse, what could be abetter time to trot out a horse posing as a human than now, when horse culture is beginning to peak? With the success of the Netflix original series “Bojack Horseman,” horses acting like people is firmly within the zeitgeist.

I don’t personally enjoy the show,but I know people who do. I’m more confused about the rules of the world the show takes place in. For example, why are all the animals the same size? Obviously a dog isn’t going to be as big as a horse, right? However, I’m all for talking animals, and that brings us to our final point.

Closing argument

We may never know for sure if Walden is indeed a horse, but what we can take pride in is that as a sport, baseball has not excluded him for any of his horse-like behavior. Good on you, baseball, and good on you, Jordan Walden, for not blatantly stealing carrots from your teammates.

Send Brian Lisi pictures of your dog on Twitter @BrianLisi. Watch non-horse-related videos made by his production company, Summer Collider. Sup John.

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