Full Credits

Stats & Data

80Funny
15Die
6,168
Views
May 21, 2018
Published
Description

After another school shooting, Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick really had his hands full. The bullets from "The Gun Control Argument" were flying right toward him. But he figured out how to get out of the way quickly!

Wow, Texas Lt. Governor, Dan Patrick does NOT want to talk about gun control. He put on a master class the other day on how to avoid talking about it. It was like the gun control argument was shooting bullets at him and was all:

Honestly, actually admitting that something should be done is a step up from “Thoughts and Prayers.” And while many gun control activists could stand to accept that gun control would indeed only solve part of a huge, complex problem with many interconnected issues, it also felt very silly to listen to this man completely avoid talking about it altogether.

Here are some of his best “hey, look over there!” alternatives to talking about gun control.

Uh, what about violent video games?

“The video games issue, we have got to address in this country. … The vast majority [of psychologists and psychiatrists] will tell you it leads them to become numb to violence, to have less empathy to their victims and be more aggressive.”

— Dan Patrick, Master Argument Dodger

This one echoes Trump’s comments after the Parkland shootings, and has been debunked pretty thoroughly. Also, in 2005, a Supreme Court ruling said that video games (obviously) fall under First Amendment rights.

But that’s the way to make this argument work! You can dodge the gun control argument by saying, “Oh you wanna take away 2nd Amendment Rights? How bout 1st Amendment Rights!? What’s your problem - don’t like taking rights away? HMMMMM…” It’s foolproof.

Also, c'mon, you’re trying to tell me that someone simulating mass shootings on a screen doesn’t translate to them doing it in real life? Next you’re gonna tell me simulating winning the Super Bowl in Madden won’t translate to me becoming a pro football player, which is ludicrous because I’ve dedicated 15 years of my adult life to this pursuit. And it’s going to work, because it has to.

GettyImages-180300254.jpg

Abortions! Those are bad, right?

“We have 50 million abortions. We have families that are broken apart, no fathers at home…And we stand here and we wonder why this happens to certain students.”

— Dan Patrick, Privileged White Male

We don’t have to debate abortions here. There’s plenty of opportunity for that in the comments. But we do have to admire it as a diversionary tactic from the task at hand. If having abortions means we’re devaluing life, how could that not lead to a culture that devalues life across the board?

Sure, in these other instances, people may be using various tools (like guns, sure, I guess) to devalue life, and maybe taking those tools away would make it happen less, but why focus on the symptom of the problem, and not the root of the problem: abortions?

Clearly, people walking into schools with guns and shooting everyone they see has more to do with abortions than guns. Just like, think about it, man.

Too many gun owners are just being irresponsible

“Gun ownership – and I’m a proud gun owner – that comes with responsibility of gun control in your home.”

— Dan Patrick, Accidentally Not Avoiding The Gun Control Argument

Wait, was this one on purpose? This is literally gun control. There’s certainly a full spectrum of the extent to which people are calling for gun control measures, but for the most part, I think people would largely… agree… with… this… ?

Shit. Did Dan not dodge the gun control bullet on this one?

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE????

There aren’t enough teachers with guns

“We need to – we need our teachers to be armed. We – you know, when you have – when you are facing someone who is an active shooter, the best way to take that shooter down is with a gun. But even better than that is four or five guns to one.”

— Dan "Four Or Five Guns To One" Patrick

Phew, we’re back on track! Hey, gun control argument, FUCK YOU! You can’t catch me!

You wanna get rid of guns in schools? Good idea, but here’s a better idea: let’s do the opposite. You know those teachers who have spent their entire lives buried in books*? We barely even give them enough money to buy those books for their students anyway; let’s just take that money and give them GUNS! 4 or 5 of them, please!

That way, if a student raises their hand in class and is all like, “May I please shoot up the school with this gun,” the teacher can just shoot the damn terrorist, predator, or misguided teen, depending on their race.

Plus, when your teacher is carrying a gun, you better believe you’re gonna get that homework done on time. Especially now that your homework is to read a gun instead of a book cause there are no more books. Everyone gets a gun!

*lol, books.

GettyImages-485826369.jpg

This gun could easily shoot these books if any of them decides to make a wrong move.

There are too many entrances and exits in these schools

“We need to get down to one or two entrances into our schools. You have the necessary exits for fire, of course, but we have to funnel our students into our schools so we can put eyes on them.”

— Dan Patrick, Labrynth Enthusiast

Okay, so if we have less entrances and exits, we can afford put enough security guards on every entrance and exit. Of course they will be armed, and so will the teachers. If we really design this school right, we can beef up security all around, and ideally it’ll end up looking something like this:

GettyImages-96577709.jpg

A prison.

Decline of religion in schools

“We have devalued life in this country. We threw God out of school.”

— Dan Patrick, Proud Owner of The God Card

Now this is a great tactic. If you’re for gun control, clearly you’re a heathen, and you’re getting in the way of our ultimate vision for the future where we replace teachers with special pastor-soldier hybrids and keep every kid safe by making them pray with a gun to their heads.

Also, if you’re not for this, you’re against Freedom of Religion. What do you mean, “What about other religions?” I’m not against Freedom of Religion, you are!

Or maybe we both are? Honestly, it doesn’t matter, because we’re not talking about gun control, and that’s all I really care about!

By the way have you guys seen The Handmaid’s Tale?

Maybe we could combine all these ideas and do something like that? Just a thought (that’s as far from talking about gun control as possible).

Advertisement