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October 07, 2009

Being fat isn’t easy. And I’m not talking about the emotional distress it causes. I’m referring to the fact that it’s easy for kids to burn calories. It took a lot of hard work and dedication for me to stay fat. And if I was gonna stay fatter than my heaviest competition, I needed to go out of my way to keep the weight on. Because of that I was constantly eating a diet that only Michael Phelps could digest.

As a fat kid, one of my favorite ways to stay fat was the snack I got to eat after school.

I would lay ten Ritz crackers on a plate and slather them in peanut butter. After I ate the Ritz and peanut butter crackers, I would lay another ten crackers on the plate and cover those in peanut butter as well. Usually I would repeat this process three or four times, and by the time it was ready for dinner, I could have consumed anywhere between thirty and forty Ritz crackers covered in peanut butter.

And I didn’t always use peanut butter. I learned at an early age that a slice of American cheese, if double folded,  can yield four perfectly proportioned, yet smaller, squares of cheese. Because of that, whenever I used American cheese, I would be working with multiples of twelve Ritz crackers instead of ten. Duh – two slices of cheese only create enough mini slices to cover eight Ritz crackers. You do the math…

And on days when I desired the finer things in life, I would prepare the Ritz with cream cheese and a small dollop of raspberry jam.

Another great way to stay fat is by eating a bowl of peanut butter and honey. And yes, it’s as easy to make as it sounds. All you have to do is take a bowl of peanut butter and add honey. And if you really want to make it interesting, add a pint of vanilla ice cream to the mixture and then crumble a sleeve of Ritz crackers on top of the whole thing.

And yet another great way to stay fat is by taking butter (not margarine) and using it to enhance the flavor of other desserts like cake, cookies, cup cakes, and Ritz and peanut butter crackers.

For the record, you can substitute Saltines, Gold Fish, and Double Stuff Oreo Cookies in place of Ritz crackers for any of the snacks mentioned above.