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September 05, 2011

movement guide for fatties!

A new chapter! this time we are going to talk about basic movement skills. you know, as in walking, jumping, sitting and even sleeping! oh, you thought the first two were workouts?! well, pay attention then.. you'll be amazed by the things your body can do! whoops! sorry, i meant can't do.. you see, when you are in the shower.. singing Maroon 5's "Moves like Jagger" you are doing two things, abusing your ears and lying to yourself! because sweetie.. the only thing you have in common with Mick Jagger, is that when you fall off a stair -which i assume you already experienced- you'll be just like a "Rolling Stone"!

Let's start with the easy stuff.. Sleeping! most of you will probably say: do fat people move in their sleep? let me tell you that the chances of you dying while sleeping next to a fat guy, is higher than you dying while juggling grenades! on a unicycle! and blindfolded! ever seen that poor guy who gets dragged between two giant gears screaming! it's something like that! you'll be like "i'm rolling into deeeeee.." so Adele, you should maintain a minimum distance of 1.2 m from a sleeping fat guy! or move out.. it's safer!

Another thing is Sitting! to avoid some.. well, let me put this way.. "unfortunate events"! you should know the "morphology" of your body during the sitting process. you can simply do that by going to a grocery store.. buy some meat, a couple of cantaloupes, a chopped chickenand some candy bars. put all of them in one plastic bag! go back to your home, you'll probably eat the candy bars on your way back! anyway, put the bag on the kitchen table.. you see how the bag spreads horizontally, here you go! this how your ass look like while you are sitting!

You won't find a lot of problems in Walking.. unless of course you are Jabba the hut! or you have parked cars in front of you! you see, in Cairo.. there is some sort of an excessive intimacy issues when it comes to parking cars! which makes a fat guy unable to walk between them! so you can wait, call a relative or something until a car moves.. or you have to do what i like to call "the Pack-man maneuver"! in which you keep walking until you find that magical gap that makes you cross from one side to another! then let's hope you don't find a dog on your way back!

One of the most important things you should know as a fat guy, is that gravity ain't your best friend! of course you can use it on your side in fights. but when it comes to Jumping.. gravity is a bitch! let's say you are crossing the street, found a puddle of water.. a small one, like 50 cm wide! and you have to jump over it to keep going.. don't! i don't give a damn what you do! call for a sick leave, walk a couple of extra miles! but do not jump what ever happens! because when you jump.. you'll first hear the "chariots of fire" playing in your head! then you'll hear the fat lady singing.. which in this case is you! because you hurt your knee or broke a leg! so again, do not jump!

I know some guy will say that he moves like Mohamed Ali! yeah, you probably do! you float like a butterfly, and sting like when you pee! so spread your wings.. or whatever you call these things hanging from your arms! and keep believing that you can fly! you'll be missed you fat bastard!