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May 20, 2016

When summer rolls around, and you've nearly perfected your shorts body, you don't want to be caught with scabs on your knees.

You’ve been working hard on that summer body for months now, and soon it’ll be time to show it off. But before you rush in and start wearing shorts everyday, you’ve got one more step: getting rid of those unsightly scabs on your knees.

We’re here to help!

Here are some pointers that’ll give you a knockin’ bod with scab-free knees before the thermometer hits 80!

Short morning workout


Burn more calories by hitting the road or weights with some early morning exercising. It revs up your metabolism for the day, and gets you sweating, which’ll help make pulling off those knee scabs that much easier. Then have a light breakfast.

Drink more water


You can always use more H20! Carry around a water bottle and just make it a habit that when you finish, head to a sink or fountain, refill, then pick off some scabs (from your knees). Do it often enough and it’ll just be part of your lifestyle!

Stop practicing homerun slides in your room


All winter you’ve been rippin’ up the tops of your legs in your bedroom while pretending to slide into home, but it’s past time to stop that! Let those knee wounds heal into scabs, and remove them!

Less alcohol


Skipping that second beer or glass of wine won’t just cut down on calories and carbs, it’ll give you an extra moment to scratch at your knees. After all, you have scabs down there you need to get off!

Take the stairs


It’s so simple, but it’ll really get those legs looking toned and tight. Then pick off some scabs on your knees at top of the stairs.

Stop scooting to work on a damn children’s scooter


OK, plenty of people have told you stop using a scooter that wasn’t built for your body, but not for the reason that I’m going to tell you. And that reason is that you roll off the damn thing at least three times on a good day. It doesn’t get you to work any faster than the bus, and it shreds the flesh on your knees, so just stop use it.

Get plenty of sleep!


And use your fingernails to dig those scabs off your kneecaps!

Before you dive knee-first into these pointers, be aware of these potential complications


– You might pick your scab until they bleed, then they form new scabs
– You are still practicing knee first home run slides in your bedroom
– Your scabs might actually be scrapes, which isn’t really the purview of this article
– You forget you have knees because it’s been pants weather for so long
– Your scabs might actually be smashed Craisins stuck on your knees

In case of failure


You’re gonna have to wear pants all summer now. Not only is it uncomfortable, but you’re gonna be someone that people look at and wonder “Why in God’s name are they wearing long pants in 90 degree weather?”

Don’t even try wearing long shorts that cover your knees


Long shorts are the tell-tale sign that you’ve still got scabs on your knees from the spring.