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Published: January 20, 2016
Description: Aren't doable resolutions better than useful ones?

Remember when you said you were going to spend 2016 “eating clean,“ but then you found out what that actually entailed? That was adorable. Whatever self-promises you made on an arbitrary date have surely gone out the window at this point, so what next? Since New Year’s Resolutions are often overly ambitious, here are some less measurable and therefore more attainable goals to better yourself:


  • Rather than exercise everyday, just exercise at some point this year.
  • Don’t eat carbs … today.
  • Turn Facebook fights into real life fights (burns calories).
  • Put in effort during sex (burns calories).
  • Have sex (burns calories).
  • Instead of fixing them, for starters just don’t think about all the things you hate about your life.
  • When you’re alone and talking to yourself, say nice things.
  • Make attainable goals to improve your health, such as remembering to take your contacts out tonight.
  • Follow your dreams (specifically, the ones that aren’t too hard).
  • Instead of going to more concerts, just Google what Sia really looks like.
  • Just be satisfied buying the Groupon; don’t feel compelled to go to the aerial yoga class.
  • Since it turns out your health insurance doesn’t cover that therapy you wanted to start going to, start with only crying in public if you really need to.
  • Rather than going completely dry, have fewer drinks but use larger glasses.
  • Follow a bunch of healthy eating Instagram accounts, but rather than just watching part of the videos and not implementing the tips into your own diet, watch the whole video!
  • Shower as often as you tell people you do.
  • Eat more healthy shit… when convenient.
  • Remove *thumbs down emoji* from your vocabulary, but still allow yourself to actually text it now and then.
  • Instead of original goal of doing 100 burpees a day, first just figure out what a burpee is.
  • Resolve to make more realistic resolutions next year.
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