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December 07, 2016

Comedy is under attack. I, a humble content creator, volunteer myself as tribute.

A lot of people are worried about what a Donald J. Trump presidency will mean for First Amendment rights in this country. Sure, some see Trump feuding with multiple media outlets and reporters, encouraging his supporters to harass the people covering his rallies, and promising to “open up” the libel laws to make it easier to sue news organizations for publishing so-called “hit pieces” as threats to the freedom of the press, but none of that boring-ass horse shit matters because COMEDY IS UNDER ATTACK!


Wow! Look at these two beautiful women giving Donald Trump a lil’ smooch!

Need proof? Just look how national treasure, Alec Baldwin, was TARGETED every last week when he did his Trump impression on Saturday Night Live.

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Come on, Donald! At least he was better than Darryl Hammond!

If Alec Baldwin can’t put on a bunch of bad foundation and make his mouth look like an itty-bitty anus, are any comedians safe? And how far is Trump willing to go punish anyone who dares to make fun of his shady business practices or point out that his double chin looks like a scrotum? Will Trump take a page out of guy-he-totally-doesn’t-know-but-honestly-seems-pretty-chill Vladimir Putin’s book and start jailing anyone who pisses him off? Will Alec Baldwin be our Pussy Riot? And can we really afford to wait until the host of the new ’Match Game’ is rotting away in Gitmo to find out?

I, a humble, part-time internet content creator, volunteer myself as tribute.


Woah! Talk about ‘The Love Boat,’ right Donald?

This article is designed as a litmus test for Trump’s ability to take a joke. I have written a number Trump “burns” that were meticulously crafted to be the “sickest” that the President Elect has ever encountered. If anyone is going to jail for a Trump bit, I feel confident that it would be my candy ass that gets thrown in the clink.


You’re not dreaming, Donald. You’re really standing next to three beautiful women!

There is one downside to my plan: If I am, in fact, “silenced” by the new Trump regime, the citizens of this country would be deprived of the high-quality comedic content that I regularly post to this site, such as “7 Ways to Tear Your Dog A New Asshole This Christmas,” or “What Tater Tots Are Called Around The World.” But that’s just a sacrifice we’ll all have to make. Freedom isn’t free, folks


Ooh, baby! It looks like this woman is really loving this totally expected open-eyed kiss from Donald Trump!

Of course, this entire exercise will be meaningless unless Donald J. Trump actually sees my sick, sick burns. That’s why I’ve scattered pictures of Donald J. Trump with beautiful women. I truly believe that Donald J. Trump is such a horny, old, egotistical creep that if this link pops up in his Twitter feed, he will not be able to resist clicking on it. He probably won’t even read these tiny little words. He’ll just keep scrolling until he finds more pictures of himself and beautiful women.


I guess you really do like ‘em young, huh Donald? Ah, come on! I’m just kidding.

I’ve laid the bait, but we need to make sure that Donald catches the scent. That is why I am calling on every citizen who cares about preserving freedom of thought and expression in this country to tag @realdonaldtrump with a link to this article until it is impossible for him to ignore! Share this article! Make our voices heard!


“America The Beautiful,” am I right Donald?

And I know what you’re thinking: “Is he just trying to use internet activism to drive up his page views? The answer is “no.” And shame on you for thinking that. I’m the martyr here, remember?


It should have been you, Donald! It should have been you!

Enough chit chat. Time to burn drop the burns on this this nasty-ass pumpkin man. Our future gets decided right here, right now. LIVE FREE OR DIE!

Donald Trumps wants to fuck his daughter, Ivanka, so badly, that at least once a day he grabs her husband by the shoulders and screams “FREAKY FRIDAY!” as loud as he can.


Another classic expected and welcomed kiss from Donald J. Trump!

To save money on construction supplies, many of Donald J. Trump’s buildings are made out of Garfield books he threw away because he got tired of having to look up words in the dictionary.


Woah! I’ve heard about ‘The Love Boat,’ but ‘The Love Plane?!’

Donald J. Trump’s has paid in full for two separate black market hand enlargement operations, but chickened out of both as soon as he saw all the needles.


We always knew you were a ‘Playboy,’ Donald!

Donald J. Trump had a time machine built by a Russian physicist, but instead of using it to kill Hitler or stop 9/11, he just went back to 1965 and groped Marilyn Monroe. Fortunately, Marilyn Monroe shot him dead on the spot. Unfortunately, the machine was once more to undo Donald’s death, then it was destroyed.

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Oh, yeah! It’s good to be “The Donald!”

Donald J. Trump’s foreign policy is shaped largely by old, racist Looney Tunes episodes.


Third times a charm, eh Donald?!

Donald J. Trump can’t palm a clementine.


Finally, a President that knows how to have a little fun, right?!

Donald J. Trump formed his opinion on abortion when Mike Pence made him stick his hand in a bucket of wet spaghetti and told him it was “baby brains.”


You deserve that crown, Donald! You’re the king of standing next to beautiful women!

My name is Ryan Haney and I am the writer of this article. I live in Brooklyn, New York (obvi). I am a proud American citizen who is entitled to all the rights and protections guaranteed in the United States Constitution.

That’s it! Those are all the burns. Now I sit and wait for the police to knock on my door, signaling the death of our “democracy” as we know it. Be sure check back here or follow me on Twitter for updates.

See you motherfuckers in the lock-up!