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May 25, 2011

Fred Wilpon has some words for the rest of the Mets. (Article title provided by Mr. Wilpon himself)

New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon has made a splash in the media this week with his criticism of several players on the New York Mets:


Jose Reyes: “He thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. … He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.”

Carlos Beltran: “We had some schmuck in New York who paid Carlos Beltran based on that one series. He’s sixty-five to seventy percent of what he was.”

David Wright: “Really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”

These criticisms offended many of the players on the Mets, who felt left out that Wilpon didn’t mention them. So, in the spirit of a team, Mr. Wilpon decided to comment on every player on the Mets.

Jason Bay: “I like to call him Jason "Gay", ‘cause he goes fishing for balls at the plate.”

Johan Santana: “Greatest Met player ever…named Santana. No scratch that, Rafael has a World Series ring.”

Francisco Rodriguez: “I know he can "punch-out" someone, unfortunately it isn’t on the field.”

Chris Young: “He’s big and all, but I think I can dunk on him. And then he would probably shatter into a thousand pieces.”

Angel Pagan: “Angel must mean something else in Puerto Rico, because I don’t want to see him when I’m going up to the sky shortly.”

Josh Thole: “I know his family changed the first letter of his last name from an "A" to a “T”. They should have left it, because that is what that kid is.”

R.A. Dickey: “Reminds me of that droopy face Eor from Winnie the Pooh, but with a little less energy. Didn’t want to go with an obvious dick joke.”

Bobby Bonilla (on the Mets payroll until 2035): “He’s just on the team for some much needed street-cred.”


Mr. Wilpon takes a long look at the rest of the roster, “I don’t even know who the rest of these guys are. Are we still in New York or is this Cincinnati? No wait, we can’t be Cincinnati because they have a winning record.”


Wilpon goes on to add one thing about GM Sandy Alderson and Manager Terry Collins, “I’ll be honest, I didn’t do much research on those two. In fact, I just saw their names and assumed both of them were sexy chicks.”