Hi. I’m Academy Award nominee and human juggernaut Mark Wahlberg. You asking me, did I like “The Hunger Games”? My answer is no, not one bit. My main problem with the movie is that it could never happen in real life.

Sorry. Let me clarify. It never WOULD happen in real life. If I was there. Yeah, that’s right. If I lived in District 12, things wouldn’t go down so smooth. I would show all the bad guys who’s boss! I would challenge authoritarian government, and I would ruin the Capitol, it would never look the same.

First, I would use my words, though. When that freaky pink lady pulled my name out of the hat, I woulda been like, “Hey, freaky pink lady, why you gotta be like that? It’s not cool.” I would flare my nostrils at her. “It’s so not cool to force these little kids to kill each other, freaky pink lady”.

To quote Lenny Kravitz, who for some reason is in this movie, I would be like, “Hey. American woman. Stay away from me.” She would then know to stay away from me.

Another tip: Choose your company wisely, Jennifer Lawrence. Seriously,  this girl has nobody else to look up to but Woody from “Cheers”? She’s friends with that wussy kid from “The Kids Are All Right?” The kids are NOT all right!  If I was picked for the stupid Hunger Games I would call up everyone and anyone I knew. Everyone in my iPhone. Christian Bale. The cast of “Entourage”. The rest of the Funky Bunch. Yeah, we’re estranged, but I’m pretty sure they’d have my back in a fight. I’d call my brother Donnie. He in turn would call up the other New Kids on the Block. We’d run that show. We’d take everyone out. All the bad guys would be begging for mercy before the games even begun.

Don’t even get me started on that President Snow guy. He’s played by Donald Sutherland. You know who I would get to kick his ass? Kiefer Sutherland, from “24”. We would grab the other Sutherland and punch him in the beard. Then we would say, “Take that, Donald Sutherland! You just got beat up by your own son!” Again, nostril flaring would ensue.

Overall, I give this movie 0 fists out of 5 fists. It bored me to death! I woulda done so much better! You wanna see action? Watch the live cam feed to my bedroom. Now that’s a movie. The world will be watching.