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March 29, 2012

Republican presidential candidates insist that no matter how this story ends, the four of them will remain friends forever. Beers once a month, at least.






When the election is over, four candidates promise each other they will go out for beers at least once a month.


WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Four” better or “four worse”, Mitt, Newt, Rick, and Ron have decided that they are going to be friends “four”-ever.

Despite the fact that the four men are still all competing for the same thing, the group sat down together one night after a particularly gruelling GOP debate and came to realize though they were different in many ways, they were all so very alike too.

So, Mitt Romney announced this week proudly, “We’re all going to stay friends after the election. Come August, when one of us is given the nomination, we’re all going to be proud of that person and support them, no matter what. No hard feelings at all. We’re bound to disagree on some subjects, but we’re all Republicans after all. Come November, when all of us will finally be done with all this hard campaigning, though fate may lead us down different paths, we’re all going to stick together. We are going try very hard to hang out regularly.”

Rumors have been circulating for days now that could include a bi-weekly pub night for some darts, a golfing retreat once every few months, a barbershop quartet, or just a good old-fashioned garage band.

Romney happily added they realized that there was no way they couldn’t be friends, as the four of them are such a great reflection of the classic friends formula we all know and love from countless movies and television programs. “We’ve got the normal one, the smart one, the headstrong one, and the fatty. What’s not to love about us? We’re basically the cast of “Stand By Me”.”

Says Gingrich, “If we were to be in a band together, we could really kick ass at that. The Beatles may have said that they were bigger than Jesus, but we would be bigger than The Beatles, so there. I, single-handedly, weigh more than the four of them put together. So there!”

At press time, the four men hadn’t all fully committed to being in a garage band, nor had they selected a name for it, but they were adamant the announcement of one would come fairly soon. Gingrich also insisted he would come up with a unique nickname for each of his three newest friends once he had an extensive background check done on them.

Rick Santorum confirmed that he was excited about the prospect of entering into a new, completely heterosexual and platonic “manly relationship” or “bromance” with the other three. “If say, Newt was to get married again, I would be really psyched about that. Not just because I approve of a man marrying a woman, but because I think Mitt, Ron, and I would throw a really bitching stag party.”  

Though there are still a few months of campaigning left before one of them is given the nomination, all four men say that the fight can’t be over soon enough so they can do what they really want to do: become a group of incredibly tight-knit friends who stick by each other through thick and thin. They have, however, come to terms with the fact that one of the group is going to have to campaign a good three months longer than the other members of the wolf pack, so all four of them are planning a big “Congrats” party to wish that person well on their journey. Romney has stated that he is already looking through archived photos to use in a slideshow set to the song “Graduation – Friends Forever” by Vitamin C, and Gingrich was reportedly spotted Googling restaurants ideal for four friends that weren’t too loud and wouldn’t be too expensive to rent a back room. The idea of getting four monogrammed matching bowling shirts to celebrate the occassion was not out of the question either, as it would provide the four candidates with even more motivation to get together for a night out regularly. 

Adds the nerdy kid brother of the group Ron Paul, “If one of us was to somehow actually beat Obama and become President, we would realize how busy they are and wouldn’t mind scheduling our monthly hangout around them. Nor would the other three of us constantly talk about them behind their back and undercut them at every turn, that would just be bad sportsmanship, and we’re all friends now.”  

After making these statements, Romney, Gingrich, Santorum and Paul all stepped off of their podiums, bumped fists and walked into the sunset together. Romney was overheard asking the three others if they had any interest in ordering a pizza and watching the season 4 DVD of “Breaking Bad” at his place, to which the others expressed enthusiasm and comments such as “That show is the shit, bro.”