September 5, 2011
Legendary mariner Cap’n Crunch was taken hostage by pirates in a daring attack off the coast of Somalia. Cappy, as he is known to friends and family, was on a goodwill mission to deliver his namesake cereal to refugees. First mate and best friend Toucan Sam alerted authorities after fleeing the ship and taking a bullet through the tip of a feather. Upon landing on a French patrol ship, a delirious Sam kept repeating, “I’m cuckoo for Cappy!” When he finally came out of it and told his story, calls for help were immediately placed to the Justice League and the Super Friends, but as of this report, neither group has responded. Upon hearing the news, Quaker Oats spokesman Richard Brattleman had this to say – “We told him it was too dangerous to go and that we would not be able to help if anything went wrong. But, knowing how devoted he is we knew he would go for it anyway. Our thoughts are with him during this ordeal. He truly epitomizes the best of our humanity and we hope to see him soon. Stay Crunchy.”
The pirates have not made their ransom demands known as of yet, and the world anxiously awaits any news. We will stay on this story and bring you any word as the events unfold.