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April 03, 2017
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Abraham is back! Kind of. And Rick gets a very indecent proposal from a trash lady. 19 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' season finale S07E16 "The First Day of the Rest of Your Life"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Sasha’s Easy Listening

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Looks like Sasha is having a very chill time listening to music while she dies. I’ve got a very firm grasp on Sasha listening to music while she dies at minute 1 of this 90 minute episode, definitely don’t need six or seven more shots of Sasha listening to music while she dies. Certainly don’t need one of these shots every single time we come back from a commercial break! I have a great story about listening to music while you die, by the way. Remind me to tell you guys before the end of this recap.

2) Eternal Sunshine Of The Sasha Mind

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Motherdick! I’m all kinds of glad to see you right now, Abe. Thanks for mentioning that Maggie has a baby on the way, her abs tell a different story. It’s nice to see I’m not the only person who enjoys taking drugs alone, listening to music in the dark, and revisiting what might’ve been through intense visions that feel real. I didn’t know you got down like that, Sasha! We could’ve been hanging out years ago.

3) Smiling Blueberry Pancake Is My New Favorite Character

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Smiling Blueberry Pancake, a fan favorite from the comics, is finally here just in time for the All Out Breakfast storyline and I could not be more excited. Smiling Blueberry Pancake might seem happy on the outside, but Smiling Blueberry Pancake has seen some shit out there. Smiling Blueberry Pancake is dead inside and only wears that blueberry smile to fit in. I guess what I’m trying to say is Smiling Blueberry Pancake is bold. Smiling Blueberry Pancake is compelling. There’s a picture of Smiling Blueberry Pancake next to the definition of “dynamic” in the zombie dictionary. Also, I mentioned blueberry pancakes in last week’s recap and then this happens.WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!? I’m sure we’ll get the answers we demand at the season 14 mid-season mid-season finale. It’s a new type of fake finale, it’s essentially a quarter-season finale.

4) She Had A Name … It Was Doctor Lady

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Yes, Tara. She DID have a name. It was Doctor Lady. Gone but totally forgotten. Forever signing headshots at Comic-Cons.

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I know Dwight is looking mad shady here like Jafar in Aladdin (when Jafar disguised himself in the prison) and anytime someone says, “You can trust me,” you ALMOST CERTAINLY CANNOT TRUST THEM, but his plan is good and makes sense! It might actually make too much sense for Rick’s group. Try screaming and talking in riddles when you’re in Rick’s dungeon, it’s all his team knows at this point.

5) Judith Is Still On This Show

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Here are some characters who have had significantly more screen time than Judith in season 7: Grimbly Grunk, pickles, shopping carts, and cantaloupes. CGI balloons and a goat got more screen time than her in season 6.

6) Ezekiel Continues To Talk Like An Asshole

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“Cease this folly. Accompany my regiment.” Then he literally brings up dragons and journeys. Does Ezekiel understand he’s not currently in an off Broadway adaptation of Lord Of The Rings? Ahh, shit. He got me back on his side with “capricious malevolence” that’s a really great combination of letters. I’m on board with such linguistic verbosity, oh shit now he has me doing it.

7) Indecent Proposal

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HAHAHAHHAHA! This was the best. I very much respect Jadis for just going for it. I think way too often in this short and fleeting life we DO NOT just go for it, and Jadis certainly went for it by declaring she would bone down with Rick post-battle. I respect that. And hats off to Andrew Lincoln on this PHENOMENAL face acting.

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That’s the facial progression of a man trying to process new information, weigh his options, and determine if he can potentially pull a threesome out of this situation without getting his head chopped off by a sword.

8) All She Do Is Win

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Totally normal thing to say, lady! Super reasonable and not at all ominous in your word choice or extremely unsettling delivery. Glad to have you on the team! Looking forward to more motivational rooftop pep talks.

9) “It’s Like You’re Sandblasting Your Nutsack” & “We Kick Shit And Eat Snakes”

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I love the way he talks, but can you imagine being in a relationship with Abraham? “Abe, what do you want for dinner tonight? Thai food?” “If I wanted a Thai lady to rub my pork chop, I’d go to Madame Sue’s massage parlor on Bowman Street. Now are you going to shit in my coffee and call it a milkshake or does this possum have to drag his dick across the highway every time he wants a slice of jalapeño freedom pie?” “I have no idea what you just said and I don’t know why those are always the only two options.”

10) Trash Man’s Crack Pipe Whistle

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What, exactly, is this contraption? A crack pipe that you can also whistle with, but also still use to smoke crack in the event shit gets too real? I take back every bad thing I’ve ever said about the Trash People, they’ve got some big ideas.

11) Eugene And The Trash People Are Negan

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“Where’s Grimbly Grunk?”

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“I’m Grimbly Grunk.”

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TFW your friend is now Grimbly Grunk.

Great job slowing their jets and cooling their roll, Eugene! Your megaphone talk did the trick; it bought you guys an extra 10 seconds before Rick decided he’s OK blowing your asses up.

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Whoops! Guess you just can’t trust 37 people who live in a dump and show up to your doorstep on dirty bicycles. What’s the world coming to these days?

12) Turn Your Head And Coffin

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For a no nonsense kind of guy, Negan certainly is up to a lot of nonsense all the time. Come one, come all! Feast your eyes on Negan The Magnificent’s magic show! First he’s going to make a lady come out of that coffin and then he’s going to make someone’s head disappear! Someone give Negan all the pool cues (including the ones you found on the supply run to the bowling alley, he knows about those) immediately before he pulls a rabbit out of Carl’s hat! Rick, for this next trick Negan needs you to pick someone you love. Anyone you love! You don’t want to?!? Damn, Rick. Negan’s right, you do suck ass.

13) Eugene’s iPod Of Death

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Very thoughtful of Eugene to give Sasha some tunes for while she’s dying. One time I was on a plane during a rough storm and the pilot told us it was going to be a very intense landing. The plane was shaking so hard, I thought this might actually be it for me. They made an announcement to turn off all electronics, but the guy next to me shrugged and pulled out his iPod. He very deliberately clicked over to a specific song, knowing this might be the last thing he ever hears, and pressed play. When we landed, after thunderous applause from the cabin, I asked my neighbor what he decided to listen to in the face of death. I’ll never forget what he matter of factly said. “Area Codes by Ludacris.” Like that was the very clear and only option in that situation. To this day, I don’t fly without “Area Codes” by Ludacris on my phone just in case. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. The zombie show. Seems odd Negan didn’t pick up on the fact that Sasha wanted to ride the entire way inside of a coffin. Kind of a red flag that maybe she’s not in the best headspace and, ya know, wants to die. Also, Eugene definitely just gave Sasha a weapon because she could bludgeon Negan to death with that big ass thing. Call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when you could bludgeon someone to death with your MP3 player!

14) Zombie Sasha Ate The Grammar Nazi

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I know Zombie Sasha didn’t kill Negan, but the fact that she ate the grammar nazi who weirdly flexed on Enid a few episodes back over her use of “veggies” vs. “vegetables” was still extremely satisfying and definitely worth the cost of suicide. Plus it gave Carl the opportunity to start capping which set off a whole chain reaction of capping! And Rick … well, Rick got a free appendectomy out of the deal? That’s pretty good, too, I guess.

15) Holy Shit. Negan Is Going To Kill Carl. They Finally Got My Letters!

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Carl’s going to die! They finally got all my letters, it only took them seven years to read them. Negan’s not just a guy who turns your friends’ brains into spaghetti, Rick. He’s a complicated man! No one understands him but his bat that he weirdly refers to as a woman. It’s been kind of OK knowing you, little dude. Later!

16) Rick’s Speech About How He’s Going To Kill Negan While He’s Being Held At Gunpoint And Everyone He Loves Is About To Die In Front Of Him

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“I’m going to kill you. Maybe not this season. Maybe not next season. But nothing will change the fact that I’ll kill you by, maybe, like, the 38th season. As soon as the executive producers of this show have enough liquid cash to buy a private island, and call it The Margarita Safe Zone, then I’ll kill you. Mark my words. I’m super duper serious, my guy.”

17) God Damn Tiger Out Of Nowhere!

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I don’t know how nobody saw or heard this giant fucking tiger creeping up on them, but Shiva really did leap in to save the day! That was fun. I had fun when that big ass tiger jumped in to save the day. I have a useless degree in Media Studies (only took me 4.5 years to get) and this is what my professors would call a Deus Tiger Machina. That’s Latin for “Deez tiger nuts, all up on your Savior faces.” Want to see something cool? This is what it looked like filming that badass tiger scene.

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Hollywood is a really weird place.

But then King Ezekiel has to ruin this awesome moment by showing up and talking like an asshole.

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“THEY CAN TAKE OUR CANTALOUPES, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR TIGERRRRSSSSSSS!”

How, exactly, does the tiger know who is a good guy and who is a bad guy in this melee situation? Did the tiger get some kind of face sheet? Was the tiger trained to only attack anyone who smells like trash and/or gelato? There was a lot going on during this skirmish that was awesome (Negan’s color commentary, Rick giving Morgan a murder respect nod, Trash People using trash smoke to get out of a jam) so let me just say this was awesome and a very welcome alternative to the season 6 finale which, as was covered a year ago in this bad recap, sucked major ass.

18) Negan Flipping Everyone Off On The Way Out

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I know a bird’s gotta fly, and Negan’s gotta be Negan, but a drive-by flip off in the middle of a gun fight where everyone is shooting everything felt a little unnecessary. But I guess “a little unnecessary” is Negan’s brand. Keep living your best life, Leanin’ Negan!

19) War Is Coming, And So Are The Comic Book Readers

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We’re going to war, you guys! After a season of vaguely alluding to the fact that we one day would probably have to do this for extremely obvious reasons, it looks like we’ll finally get to see Ricky Rick and the funky bunch fight back next season. They set up all kinds of stuff in the last few minutes of the episode. Is Negan on to Eugene? It would appear he has his very reasonable suspicions regarding the traitorous coward he took into his fold and awarded a position in upper management. Did Dwight betray Alexandria? No way! He left an action figure with a note, those things are legally binding! Will Rick manage to swing a Jadis + Michonne threesome? He’s going to put in his time with Michonne at the doctorless hospital and bring it up when the moment is right. THAT’S ALL, FOLKS! THANKS FOR READING THESE FOR ANOTHER FULL SEASON!!! I really appreciate you coming back every Monday. It’s been super fun to write about this zombie show I like (reminder: I do like this show) and read all your comments (reminder: I read all your comments) and I’ll be recapping Fear The Walking Dead when it comes back this Summer as well as seeing movies five times in a row on Funny Or Die’s Snapchat/IG once a month (Previously: La La Land, Fifty Shades Darker, Power Rangers) if you’re interested in any of that. See you in season 8! Byeeeeeeeeee!

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