This is a picture of my wife and a few freinds at Burning Man in 2001. People all over the world are basically the same. We just do things differently. We speak different languages, wear different clothes, and eat different foods. In my travels, I have seen some really freaky shit! I came out of a bar to see a girl gnawing on a monkey's arm, I have seen men wearing dresses, (no they weren't gay either), and I've seen a house made of cardboard in the middle of a jungle. What may seem normal to me, may seem odd to you. There is one thing that I do know, people do things because they need a solution to a problem. Some things are really ingenious, some are rather stupid, some are sweet and thoughtful, and some are downright disgusting. Let's take a look at some things, shall we?
Situation: You go on a vacation to see some family members who live in another state. Instead of staying in a hotel, you are invited to stay in their "spare" bedroom. You know that you will enjoy your stay, right? Wrong.....Here's where you can fill in the blanks.....
You go into the "spare" bedroom to unpack, and you discover _________________.
A) a cage of Tarantulas on the nightstand.
B) about twenty cats have made this room a litterbox.
C) your aunts vibrator.
D) your drunk uncle Lester jerking off to a copy of Cosmopolitan.
E) there is no bed
Situation: After a rough night in the "spare" bedroom, you decide to go take a shower. You open the shower stall door, turn on the water, and step in. This is when you notice ____________.
A) a used condom is clogging the drain.
B) blood splatters on the wall.
C) pubic hair embeded in the bar of soap.
D) the water coming out of the faucet is brown and smells like rotten eggs.
E) you are actually in your Uncle's tool shed.
Situation: After you finally get the rust clumps out of your hair, you put on your clothes. Your Aunt summons you to the table for breakfast. As you take your place at the table, you notice that _________.
A) the table is made of two sawhorses and a sheet of plywood.
B) the centerpiece on the table is dandelions and poison ivy.
C) the dog won't stop humping your leg.
D) the tablecloth is an old bed sheet with a blood stain in the middle.
E) there are bugs in your eggs.
Situation: After breakfast, you are sitting around making plans for the rest of the day. Your Aunt suggests some nice attractions that have that "Artsy Fartsy" theme. Although they sound nice, you know that they will cost a lot of money. Your Uncle, on the other hand, suggests a theme built around beer and bowling. After listening to their ideas, it's time to vote on the day's activities. So, when everyone else votes on what they want, it's your turn to chime in. You tell them that you would like to _____________.
A) hang out around the house because you can't miss Barrack Obama on the Oprah show.
B) go downtown dressed as a homeless person so you can make some money.
C) get a "Bud Light carton" and go on an egg hunt. (see Easter Caption contest for details.)
D) go queer hunting.
E) see what's going on at the Proctologist's Convention.
As you can see, visiting relatives can often be an adventure. And, just think, this is only day one of your visit. You have a whole week of excitment ahead of you! Who knows, it might even be fun.