This message is for the man who appeared on the show Divorce Court and accused his wife of sleeping with the entire Wu-Tang Clan on their tour bus.

No disrespect, but honestly, dog? That is NOTHING. My wife Deborah had sex with The Funky Bunch. Like, of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. And not in their heyday either, this was RECENTLY. And Mark Wahlberg wasn’t even there! It was just the other fucking losers putting on some sad reunion show at a sports bar in Boston last Labor Day weekend. So forgive me for not shedding any tears for you when I watch the clip of you whining to Judge Lynn that your wife gave it up to a talented collective of hip-hop artists, whose influence on the culture has been undeniable. My girl porked a gaggle of Mass-hole backup dancers who weren’t even interesting enough to inspire characters on Entourage.

Honestly, I WISH my wife had sex with Wu-Tang Clan. Even Capadonna. Because that is a million times better than having to live with the knowledge that these fuckwads put their sad, wack-ass penises inside my Deborah.

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My wife had sex with these men.

In fact, fuck you, dude. You know it’s kinda cool that your gal got with Wu-Tang. You even crack the joke “She gave Wu some tang!” all smiley like you’re loving the attention. You know what witty line I quipped when I found out my wife slept with the Funky Bunch? “What the fuck, Deborah?! How could you do this to me?!” Sorry it’s not as clever as yours, but a man’s not exactly at the top of his comedy game after learning the woman he loves just fucked, among others, a man who refers to himself as “Hector the Booty Inspector.”

Seriously, dude, stop complaining. You don’t even know if she actually had sex with them! She says she didn’t and it’s your word against hers. My wife just straight up told me, “I fucked the Funky Bunch last night and I’m NOT sorry.“ Your wife maintains she just hung out with them and discussed politics until 7 a.m., which, granted, sounds somewhat suspicious, but at least it’s within the realm of possibility. The Wu are comprised of some intelligent, well-read motherfuckers who probably WOULD talk politics all night. You think the Funky Bunch have any strong opinions on the issues? I mean, other than “condoms are wicked fuckin’ quee-ah.” Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth.

Look, I know it never feels good to be cheated on by your spouse, but I’m just trying to offer you some perspective here, dog. Take this as an opportunity to look at yourself in the mirror and think about what YOU could have done differently as a husband. That’s what I did after the Funky Bunch incident and my marriage has never been stronger. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the guys from Tag Team are throwing a pool party and my wife needs a ride.

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