This New Zealandic flightless, featureless ‘bird’ is sapping the world of precious resources and my associates and I call for immediate, swift action. One more day with this ‘bird’ on our shrinking planet will cause the needless killing of another 6,000 kilograms of healthy, productive earthworms, the consumption of 500 liters of oxygen-rich air, and the continuation of very low but still intolerable noise pollution (as a species, they generate 4 db combined).
Before we continue, it is imperative that you understand more about this ‘bird’ scientists have named Apologeticus Vitea (meaning “sorry for living”). Most important are its physical features or lack thereof. The picture below is not an artist’s rendering. This is an ACTUAL picture of an ACTUAL ’bird’. I repeat: actual picture of actual ‘bird’. This is the end result of almost mathematically impossible gene mutations gone wrong over the past 30 million years. Scientists have determined that it has been 86,000 generations since the last positive gene mutation: the retraction of mammary gland-like protrusions so that they are hidden below its feathers.
Below is what the Kiwi bird looked like before this protracted string of bad genetic luck.
Outlined below are descriptions of some of the other more salient features of the species.
Feet: disproportionately large; better suited to a small Emu
Eyes: small, beady, barely working. For most in the animal kingdom, lack of clear vision is a serious handicap to its survival. Yet, paradoxically, this, along with its nocturnal nature, is often attributed to its surprising continued reproduction. With the eyes of a normal bird, and resulting clear picture of its potential mate, scientists are certain that the species would have died off centuries ago.
Slumped shoulders: the unusual concave, forward-leaning shape of its scapula is caused by two factors: a) constant focus on the ground to prevent tripping over its clown-like feet and b) psychological inability to look any other living creature in the eyes.
Long, stiff hair near its bill: used as antenna to discover the opposite sex in the mating process. Mating occurs only in the pitch black darkness of a New moon.
Strongest eyelid muscles in the animal kingdom: as a precautionary measure, in case of horrific illumination caused by unexpected lightening strikes, Kiwi mate with their eyelids clamped shut.
The Kiwi does have 9 identifiable guttural grunts that it uses to communicate with other Kiwi and, remarkably, other species.
Ummph: “Excuse me. I didn’t see you.”
Kaumph: “My bad.”
Maumph: “Beg your pardon.”
Kloumph: “My fault.”
Hooowwwwllll every night at midnight: “OH MY GOD! There’s been a HUGE mistake. LOOK at ME! What did I ever do to Karmically deserve THIS. You have GOT to be KIDDING me. Is ANYONE listening?”
Hamina hamina made by bull Kiwi in rut: “Oh. Excuse me. I didn’t mean to bump into you. It’s very dark now. You smell funny. You mind if we mate?”
Aaaannnh made by Kiwinch in estrus: “Sure…whatever.”
Another interesting fact about the Kiwi is the fact that only 10% of ‘chicks’ make it past the first 6 months. Yes; predation from non-indigenous, slow, fat, lazy carnivores are a significant factor. But, scientists have determined a much more pervasive cause: suicide. The Kiwi is the only animal to take its own life; not for the good of the colony or the species but simply because it cannot take it any more. Between the age of 4-6 months, the Kiwi awakens to its reality and, after failed attempts of acceptance and reconciliation, the vast majority of ‘birds’ commit suicide. Their unusually large feet contain bones that have locking mechanisms that, once engaged, cannot be unlocked. Rare video footage has captured this morbid, cumbersome yet understandable final act in which the ‘bird’ rolls onto it back, topples to its side, and uses both feet to asphyxiate itself by tightly grasping its own bill.
Which brings me to my call to action. A 10% survival rate is too high. With an estimated 70,000 birds (18 breeding pairs) still in existence, the species may survive another 85 years if left unchecked. That’s 85 years of suffering that we all know the Kiwi struggles with every day of its mournful life. Help us to get Darwinian laws of nature back on track. Join us in ending the suffering of a species.
With seed funding provided by the Koch Brothers Foundation and the Smithsonian Institute, a much shorter extinction horizon is within reach. Over the past 5 years, through extensive genetic and behavioral modification, we have created a sub-species of the South American Three-Toed Sloth that feeds exclusively on Kiwi ‘birds’.
This variation has been engineered to eradicate the Kiwi in just a few short years. With its a) increased speed and agility (clocked at speeds up to 4.6 kilometers per hour), b) exclusive, carnivorous diet and c) newly engineered fourth, razor-sharp toe, this beast will bring peace to a species and restored trust in the laws of nature.
Please send funds to The Mercy Project.
Sincerely and with haste,
Dr. Joseph Morgan, Founder of The Mercy Project