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Published August 11, 2009 More Info »
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Published August 11, 2009

Shades of Grey

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart


and Cass

www.funnyordie.com/csymonz


With the passing of one of my heroes, John Hughes, last week I found myself catching part of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That brought me back to a crush I had-



Jennifer Grey, 1987 model. Came with AC and CD player standard..

I remember being jealous of Charlie Sheen in FBDO because he played a tough guy who got a really good looking chick. I grew up when the best looking girls went after the tough guys/troublemakers and it drove me nuts. Not to the point of committing felony nuts, more like tears and screaming nuts.

Was her nose kind of large? I didn’t think so- she was flat out attractive. And she dressed cool; fuckable-chick-girl cool.

   I’d go to jail to be in this mug shot with her. I’d even sit through Dirty Dancing again. And I hated Dirty Dancing (not because of Jennifer. Actually, maybe it was because I wanted it A LOT dirtier. ‘Bark like a dog for me’ dirtier).

This is Jennifer now. Not unattractive, but she’s missing something she had. Like a career. And character. Diane Lane she is not.  Jennifer said of her rhinoplasty: "I went in the operating room a celebrity - and came out anonymous. It was like being in a witness protection program or being invisible.  I remember going to a restaurant where I had been going for years. I ran into people I knew and would say, 'Hey.' Nothing. I'll always be this once-famous actress nobody recognizes... because of a nose job."

So what went wrong?

My first bias is to not fuck with what God gave you. None of us is perfect. I really believe you can deal with weight problems by diet and exercise, not rubber bands on your stomach. That’s just a lack of discipline. Age gracefully, skip Botox. Look at Robert Redford. You ladies would still take him, right?

I can’t even put a picture of Joan Rivers here. I wouldn’t watch her Comedy Roast if you paid me, fed me Glenlivet and offered discounted sexual favors (if they were free—well, I might close my eyes and think Cinemax After Dark thoughts).

Rivers reminds me of a mutant in Total Recall.  I just want to stretch her face with fishhooks like Pinhead from Hellraiser would and say “Look any better Joan? No? Let’s go wall size you stupid bitch!”

 

There was nothing wrong with Jennifer’s nose. Was her father Joel so busy counting his Cabaret residuals, he couldn’t give her just a tad of direction? And even if she thought there was, was it worth this?



That’s not plastic surgery- it’s fucking Dawn of the Dead.

Ladies, save your money. We love you as you are. Be yourself, with all those silly little physical flaws.

And to stop my tears—tell me you ended up with the accountant you laughed at in high school, not the guy serving 10-20 for felony assault.


 

There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it” -Mark Twain 

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