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Mr. Clean

Stats & Data

January 08, 2013

"The Greatest, most Magnificent Scientific adventure will be embarked upon and it will be documented here making funny or die the most important, ground breaking web site on the internet." -D. Trump

Jan 5 2013

       Or do I really like what I think I like

          By Alcoholic I mean pertaining to alcohol not the condition. This is an adventure into the controversial topic of alcohol and drinking not a cautionary tale of missed school plays or cirrhosis of the liver.  That is not to say that caution should not be used.  This experiment is not for the three beer bar fighter, or the person who drank a couple of 4 locos and then had a homosexual experience (you know who you are).  Not for the person who ever said “Who wants to do some shots?!” (You know how it ends, vomit, torrents of vomit.) In short this is not for those who can’t handle their shit.  This is for the educated Boozer who wants to further that education, post grad work if you will.

                     Back Ground

I will be the subject of the experiment. Imagine a man who partakes in social drinking but infrequently.  One outing every two weeks would be considered a lot for this man.  When out he keeps in control but there are incidents of vomiting and bed spins in his early experiences and more recently passing out after falling backward into a door jam, resulting in a sore upper back, neck and lower back of the head and blocking the bathroom for the night.  When out at a bar the subject will drink beer (when he is paying). Usually Miller lite unless Happy Hour discounts and bar selection permit him to enjoy a German lager or English ale.  If the occasion is open bar then he orders either Scotch, Bourbon, or a dry Gin Martini with three olives.  What precipitated the experiment was a chance to get my hands on Pappy van Winkle small batch Bourbon. I discovered that my job brings me within two miles of a liquor store that carries the brand.  Like a child at Christmas I raced across the parking lot only to have my hopes dashed when I was told that they were out of it and they won’t get more until the fall.  After a period of mournful introspection I began to question what was real.  Why do I think I would like what other people say is the best bourbon out there? More to the point, Do I really like what I think I like?  I think I like Scotch, on top of that I think I like particular brands and types of scotch more than others. But why is that, is it suggestion, bravado, or self-delusion?  Do I like Single malts because of snobbery, Do I like Glenmorangie because of a movie?  Do I even like Scotch at all, or do I drink it because my Father drank it and I equate it to manliness.


How to go about finding the answer? By drinking, of course. To be exact an elimination bracket drink off.  First step: What to drink? I think whiskey is too broad of a category to find a definitive answer to what is my favorite, too many sub categories, but it might serve to test the accuracy of my tastes. I have definite opinions about whiskey to test against a blind tasting.

     First opinion; there is a hierarchy of Whiskey, at the top there is Scotch followed closely by Kentucky Bourbon then Tennessee whiskey then Irish whiskey finally way down at the bottom Canadian whiskey.

     Second opinion; I prefer Single malt Scotch to blended.

     Third opinion; Johnny Walker is over rated whatever color it is. I’ve had Red, Gold, Black, and Blue and have never been impressed.

     Fourth and most important Glenmorangie is the greatest creation known to mankind.


     Now to test these opinions I have collected a mixed bag of whiskeys. First Glenmorangie original single malt Scotch, matured in American oak casks for ten years (used Jack Daniels casks)perfected by the sixteen men of Tain(???). {If it comes out on top I have three other types of Glenmorangie to test it against.} Next Johnny Walker Red blended Scotch and Johnny Walker Gold blended 18 year old Scotch.   For bourbon Makers Mark and Jim Beam seems fair. Jack Daniels for Tennessee Whiskey, if it is good enough for my Mother its good enough for me.  Jamison for Irish Whiskey what can I say I like stereo types.  Crown Royal for Canadian whiskey because I was tired and there was one of those little bottles, you know. To stir things up there will also be Jim Beam Rye, Platte Valley corn Whiskey and Beefeater Gin to see if my taste is in my tongue or my eyes.


Now the taste test will be three fold; first test neat just alcohol, second test with a splash of water, Third on the rocks. The tests themselves will be conducted in the following manner; I will be blind folded, three drinks at a time, opinions will be recorded, winner of first round moves on to next round and two new drinks added to the contest until there is only one. At no time will I know what I am drinking not even if it won the previous round. Once a winning drink is decided I will move to the next test.  Once all the tests are done results will be tabulated and notes will be looked over and a final decision will be made.

Then I will know what is really unimportant to you but to me it could be the secret to happiness.  More likely it will be a fun way to spend my weekends when I move on to Vodkas, Beers, Martinis and so on.


Testing begins Saturday Jan 12th 2013 (If my drinking partner is available).  I need someone I can trust to blind fold me and give me the booze, and I want to avoid the urine flavored Whiskey and the forced anal.

If you are interested in self-discovery, I encourage you to hold your own experiment but remember the eleven th commandment “Drink thyne fill of the nectar but Handle thyne Shite!”