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September 17, 2015
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JJ Watt Tells His Therapist How He Can’t Find A Girlfriend

In a recent interview with NFL.com Houston Texans defensive end/prolific commercial actor, J.J. Watt, mentioned that he is trying to find a girlfriend but he’s been unsuccessful. Curious how a multimillionaire muscle-man could have so much trouble finding a gal pal, I contacted his therapist and got my hands on the transcript of their latest session.


Therapist: So, J.J., last time you were here you mentioned that you’ve been unsuccessful at finding a girlfriend despite actively seeking one. How is that going?
J.J. Watt: Not good, Doc.

Why do you think that is?
I don’t know. I just want what everyone wants, someone I can relate to. Who’s on my wavelength, ya know? A woman who’s nice, ambitious, outgoing, six-foot five-inches tall and 288 pounds of pure, rippling muscle with a knack for sanctioned physical violence and barely contained rage and who is fine with just staying in and watching ’80s movies on a Saturday night.

So, wait, you want a woman who has a body that’s built exactly like yours?
Yeah, I just want what all my friends have.

All your friends have girlfriends who have the same physical attributes as them? Aren’t all your friends gigantic football players too?
I actually hung out with the cross country team when I was in college. They’re my oldest and closest friends.

OK. Well, the kind of woman you’re describing is going to be hard to find. It’s nearly impossible to find a man who is as big and muscular as you, let alone a woman.
Well, doc, that’s where I think you might be a little “old-school” for my taste. It’s 2015, women can be whatever men can be. And while you old-schoolers might find small, meek women attractive, I think that gigantic women who can cut off Adrian Peterson on the edge and slam him onto the turf like a rag doll is both to be respected and, honestly, it’s what gets me going, aphrodisiac-ly.

Maybe we’re going about this wrong. Why do you feel you need a woman who is as big and strong as you are?
A few reasons: First, I don’t like to bend down to kiss. And I like kissing, a lot. Whether it’s necking in the dark, or wet kisses in the park. Smooching in the bar or frenching in the car. Sucking face on my neighbor’s deck or heavy tonguing on my local grocer's—

OK, OK, I get it. [sighs] I’m aware of your thoughts on kissing, J.J. But that’s an easy fix: invest in a$10 step ladder. Problem solved.
Also, I like to have physical sex. And by “physical” sex, I mean I like to act like my partner is an offensive lineman and instead of trying to get around her or push her over, I’m trying to, like, go through her, but NOT in a weird way, just in a way where we’ve started as two, I ran really fast at her, and then we became … well … we became one in an aggressive but also sweet way. And we’re also lined up and coital, genital-wise. All of that stuff’s still going on. My gal needs to be sturdy and aggressive enough for that, physically.

That might be a little more difficult to fix, but it’s important for people to realize that, though there’s nothing wrong with having them, every sexual fantasy is not always realistic. I’m sure you and a partner could come to some kind of physically possible compromise. Were there any other reasons?
Well, I never told anyone this, but I think it would be cool to go to events as a couple who is so much bigger and stronger than everyone else. Make everyone look puny and pathetic. Think of the photos! Us standing next to, like, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. That would be funny and awesome, admit it.

Haha, it would be.
Thank you.

But we should move on—
The photos-at-events reason is the most important, by the way.

OK, but—
Those first two were just filler to make it seem like I had a lot of reasons.

I understand.
The visual would be really funny, we’d be very cool looking.

I told you I agree.
Good.

But J.J., if you are serious about wanting to be in a relationship, you have to be open to meet women who fall outside of your rigid physical requirements and at least see what happens. Who knows, you might be surprised by who you end up clicking with!
Oh yeah, maybe I could get a girlfriend who’s like slightly smaller than average but she’ll look really small next to me and we’ll look like really cool and funny together inthat way. Like that picture of Shaq and his girlfriend. Do you remember that picture?

Umm…
Here, I carry it in my wallet.

shaquille-oneal.jpg

That is indeed interesting looking but—
Well you solved my girlfriend issues, Doc. I’ll just try to date a short woman now. Thanks!

[J.J. runs straight through wall of office and back to Texans practice facility]

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