HOW TO ESCAPE THE MOST COMMON MISTAKES OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP
I’ve lived a short but very full life. I’ve seen people come and can’t begin to count the number people I’ve seen go. I’ve been up. I’ve been down. I’ve been lied on, lied to, deceived, trapped and chased away. Out the many misadventures of my life, I’ve decided to take a moment to share with all of you a few secrets on how to escape the most common mistakes of any new relationship. Making some of the mistakes that will follow this brief introduction is 100% guaranteed to chase your mate away.
Let me begin by saying that most of the world’s new relationships would work out so much better if there were a little less expectation placed on the relationship from the beginning. There’s usually a huge difference between the two people involved: The emphatic person, who feels the world through their emotions & feelings and the systematic person, who sees the world through logic & reason. This is your basic yin and yang formula. They go hand in hand like kool-aid and sugar but it also takes a very careful and special blend of these two ingredients. If you overdo it with the sugar, chances are you’ve ruined your kool-aid and heightened your chance of a diabetic shock. Plain and simply put, relax and enjoy the moment with your partner. Let nature take its course and don’t overanalyze anything. If you do, it’ll be the death of what you internally pray is just the beginning.
If you listen to and follow some of the advice listed below, I guarantee you’ll have a healthy and communicative relationship, with very minimal problems. If you are the person who happens to be holding the torch by the scorching flame, I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting a few quick “out” options for you. Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect, because there’s no such thing as a perfect person. All relationships take work and NO relationship should be entered without your protective battle armor. Just know that you can pick and choose your battles and avoid running from the field with your tail caught between your legs, or a lock of hair in your mate’s hand for a voodoo potion.
Common Mistake #1. Replacing “Me” with “We”
This is the first red flag to a nearing end of any relationship. Let’s be honest and say that a lot of us are afraid of giving up our independence. We assume that as soon as we become committed to someone else, our opinions are no longer our own. Our choices are no longer our own. Our thinking and actions will soon and suddenly become controlled by the person we are dating.
Most people would rather take a power drill and insert it into the side of their skull than to hear the five-year plan your partner has mapped out before you’ve taken off your socks after being boozed up just before you hit it then split. If your partner has mapped out your life in this manner way too soon, take your bed sheets and tie them to your ankles very loosely and jump head first from the roof of the tallest building you can find. It’s the only way to ensure that you’ll continue on in an after-life – independently and nag free.
Common Mistake #2. Boring Sex
Surely after the second lay, you’ve already carved it in stone that this has got to be one of the best screws of your life. It’s part of the reason you’re attracted to your mate. This person is one of few who are able to keep up with your sex drive and wild side. Not exceeding the level of sexocity that you portrayed the first and second time you boned your partner is equivalent to smearing apple jelly all over a live hand grenade and shoving it down your partner’s throat. Busy people tend to ‘do’ sex the same way because it’s quick and it works. This can lead to boring sex. To spice up your love life, take it in turns to decide on a ‘menu’ of love. That way, each of you will be getting more of what you want, and it should build some creativity and inventiveness into the process. If your partner is unwilling to do this, chances are they watched one hot ass porno DVD before coming to screw you those last two times and are really boring in bed, not mention secretly prepared to handle you cheating on them with someone who holds a higher level of better sex. This is not the person for you! Don’t waste your time. Though sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, you know damn well that it ranks up there. Don’t fool yourself.
Common Mistake #3. Saying “I Love You” Way Too Soon
The number one rule of any relationship is NOT TO RUSH THINGS. Never ever rush telling your mate you love them. If you do, you must be sure that your partner feels the same way. Note: most people are not going to fall in love with you two weeks into the relationship. The sex is still too fresh and the home cooked meals are way too appreciated. It’s so common for one of the people involved in the relationship to feel more strongly than the other. Telling your partner you love them without them feeling the same way is the kiss of death! You might as well stab yourself in the heart with a meat clever and crawl inside your own coffin, leaving your mate a hammer and some nails to seal it shut. And to ensure that those words will never be uttered from your lips again, you should be prepared to be buried at sea, with your coffin weighted with steel bricks and lined with cement.
Common Mistake #4. Conversation and discussion
People often complain that they no longer seem to talk to their partners. But if you get out of the habit of discussing things with your mate, you’ll end up like those couples in restaurants who have nothing to say to each other. Don’t be afraid to talk dirty to each other. Ask what color underwear your mate is wearing while they’re away from you. Have a little cyber sex or a lot of sexting. Be verbally aggressive in the bedroom. Find out how they feel about public sex and threesomes. It may not be quite the same as discussing the latest world news, but there’s no denying that it’s a good start to a spicy conversation. On a real tip, it’ll help you and your partner feel a little more comfortable and open with each other to talk about things outside of the bedroom…as if anything else matters.
Common Mistake #5. Complacency: Letting yourself go
If there’s one thing I personally can’t stand, it’s someone who’s not true to the person they perceived themselves to be when they painted their first impression for me. If you wear ultra-tight clothes to accentuate those curves in your body; if you’ve worn the most expensive shoes you own to get my attention; if your hair was freshly done or your armpits smelled of divine fried chicken grease, PLEASE keep it that way. By now, your partner has grown accustomed to a certain level of appearance and effort on your part. Anything less is nothing more than a major let down. If your partner refuses to keep up with the same effort it took to bait, lure and hook you, take a pair of sharp sheers and skin them alive. Remove the flesh from their bones and feed it to a tank full of viciously hungry piranhas. There would be no better way to punish your mate for misleading you in the person that they really are. Not only have they proven to you that they really are lazy slobs, but they are also liars. And if you lie, you steel. Once upon a century liars and thieves were sentenced to death. What better way to honor history than to celebrate its traditional retribution?
Dudes and dudettes, I could go on with my list of “what-not-to-do’s”, but I think what I’ve provided here is enough to get you started without any relational interruptions. Take heed. Listen closely. Print these warnings out and keep them in your wallets and purses. You’ll thank me for it, I know you will! I’m psychic like that. I want nothing more than for my readers to be happy in their relationships, and following the advice that I’ve just given will prove to do just that – keep your relationship happy and healthy. So with that said, I’d once again like to thank you for stopping by and most certainly encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish. Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11. If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.
Until next time, my little psychedelic Polish ice shavings! I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!
Quote of the Week: “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”