Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!
1 lb. bag of Skittles
3 cups ranch dressing
Mix well. Serve room temperature.
PAULA’S BROWN RICE
1 pilaf white rice
1 bowl melted Junior Mints
Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.
SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES
1 dozen (12) Cadbury eggs
2 lbs. Frito crumbs
1 package extra-fat pork lard
1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice
Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden-brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.
PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER
3 bags Olive Garden® Endless Breadsticks
12 Olive Garden® Stuffed Mushrooms
1 plate Olive Garden® New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken
4 Olive Garden® Black Tie Mousse Cakes
1 slice American cheese (optional)
Smash all of the Olive Garden® foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lowest calories, hold the cheese.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE® SMOOTHIE
34 lbs. sugar
Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white wine tumblers or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body like Paula does!
BUFFET AND A BURGER
1 Las Vegas buffet
Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)
Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES
18 sticks of butter, mashed
1 pair Jellies shoes
Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, and then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PIZZA PANTS
10’x20’ swath of pizza
Another pizza to use as pepperonis on the pizza
FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas
Smuckers magic shell ice cream topping
3 bags gummy bears
Caesar salad dressing
Wood chips (as a thickener)
1 sewing machine
1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)
Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN
Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching Pawn Stars and eat your pants and then slap your niece.
INSULIN AU GRATIN
1 insulin shot
15 lbs. block of cheddar cheese
Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 glass sparkling water
Put ham in water.
- I've had Paula's "Guilt Free Smoothie" It was wonderful and put me in a coma for 3 weeks. Lost 45 Lbs.
- I think I got Type II Diabetes from reading this list. I'd better make some Insulin Au Gratin quickly!
- I know she's gonna laugh at these! I don't call her Sweet Thing for nothin'!
- they were funny but then it got boring
- I didn't know Anthony Bourdain wrote for Funny or Die under the surname Megan Amram.
- i love it!
- pure genious
- Who needs a degree in dietetics or sport nutrition. These recipes are packed with calories and will ensure I have plenty of energy for my workout plan
- Please make this into a video. Please.
- She bleeds chocolate which is tragic and delicious.
- Paula Dean smiles like a psychopath. Creeps me out.
- lol i think she actually looks amazing for such a fatty boom batty eater!
- Anthony Bourdain wins again
- now add a stick of butter on all these n they wud sound more like paula's
- not enough butter
- Don't forget to include the julienned Twizzlers on top of the fruit salad.
- I didn't want to laugh at these, but oh well, I'm a terrible person.
- I peed a little. Very funny!!!
- I just saw your exercise routine-- walk to Dunkin Donuts-- T think it's time to come North-- L D
- i think yer all morons if you dont know the difference between healthy and non healthy recipes. i also think her diabetes is none of any of our damn buisness. damn our society has become a disquesting nosey, self righteous society. take some responsibility people for your self!!
- Dear God, I laughed so hard my face hurt. To those who say her disease is her business? Nope. She's a public figure who advocates the consumption of foodstuffs the human body was simply not designed to metabolize. Now she's hoping to profit from her chronic disease by "courageously" becoming an anti-diabetes advocate....three years after her diagnosis? Bull. I wish Paula health and enlightement. But I suspect she's a greedy, misguided person. It would be nice if she proved me wrong but I'm not holding my breath.
- REALLY FUNNY!!!! BUT I REALLY HOPE SHE FINALLY GETS HER SHIT TOGETHER (WATCH "FORKS OVER KNIVES" OR "THE DELICATE BALANCE-THE TRUTH" ON LINE FOR FREE) LOSE THE FAT AND GET HEALTHY!!!!!