Republican presidential candidate and perpetual bachelor Lindsey Graham recently told the UK’s Daily Mail that he plans to have “a rotating first lady” if he is elected president of the United States. If elected, Graham would be the first unmarried president to be elected since Grover Cleveland, who later married while in office; James Buchanan was the only other unmarried president elected and he never married. To address the issue, Graham’s campaign team provided his official six-point plan to find himself a First Lady of the United States and turn the White House into the next season of The Bachelor.
1. The Group Dates
Each FLOTUS contestant will spend the first 100 days developing her First Lady agenda and then battling it out with the other contestants on group dates. Does Graham want a more “substantial” First Ladyette who will concentrate her efforts on child nutrition and adult literacy, like Ashlee? Or does he want a more “traditional” gal who will focus mostly on redecorating the Oval Office and floral designs for state dinners, like Christy S.?
2. The Presidential Pen Ceremony
Instead of the traditional Rose Ceremony, Graham will hold a Presidential Pen Ceremony to narrow the contestants down. Each week, our bachelor lines up the wannabe First Ladies and calls up the potential FLOTUSes he wants to keep in the running. When called, each First Lady hopeful (dressed in her best skirt suit) steps forward, and the bachelor asks, “Can I sign a bill into law with your pen?” Any woman who does not receive a pen will be immediately escorted out of the White House by the Secret Service.
3. The Romantic, Exotic Getaway
Once the field of potential FLOTUSes has been narrowed down to three, Graham will take each one on a romantic official state visit via Air Force One. Visits will include a romantic island getaway to Guantanamo Bay to evaluate the conditions of prisoners held captive and an exotic adventure getaway to Afghanistan or another active war zone to meet with U.S. troops and shake a lot of hands. So romantic!
4. The Fantasy Suite
If the romantic getaway goes well, the potential FLOTUS will be offered a chance to stay in the fantasy suite — the Lincoln Bedroom. If she accepts, America will enjoy the muffled, presidential sounds and night-vision images of our president getting it on in the White House with some woman he has only known for a few weeks.
5. The Rose Garden Proposal
Once he’s made his final decision, Graham will propose to his chosen FLOTUS in an official ceremony in the Rose Garden. This proposal ceremony will take place in front of the media and, preferably, with the head of another country who does not speak English present. Immediately following the proposal, the Bachelor/President will hold a tell-all press conference. Of course, the woman Graham proposes to will inevitably also be named Lindsey or Lindsay or Lindsee or Lindzi or Lyndsey.
6. The Wedding Ceremony Special!
Just kidding — everyone knows that The Bachelor never marries the woman he proposes to on the show. But stay tuned for the next season of The Bachelor: Kremlin Edition with Russian president Vladimir Putin!