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October 31, 2014
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Cambridge, MA has a new law protecting kids with police-style body cams.

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Local children celebrate the new law

Local officials tell Catholics, “It’s for the kids.”

Cambridge, MA Alfred Cunnard, City Manager, has signed a bill mandating that any child under the age of 14 who is within eye shot of a Catholic Priest must wear a body cam similar to the ones that many police departments have recently adopted.

The new law is filed under the Title 9 Public Peace, Morals, and Welfare city ordinances:

“b) Whenever a child [as defined as anyone under 14 years of age] is within the viewing distance of a person who is recognized as an official of the Roman Catholic Church, he or she shall be equipped with two (2) body cameras.
The first of the two cameras will be worn on the ventral (front) side and the second will be secured on the dorsal (back) side of the child.
What is considered within viewing distance is not determined by the Church official, rather, it is determined by the range of vision enjoyed by a person with 20/20 sight.
Whoever, having care and custody of a child, wantonly or recklessly permits unrecorded access of that child to a Church official shall be punished by imprisonment for not more than two and one-half years in the house of correction.”

Anonymous sources deep in the city council admit that this course of action will be considered by many as extreme. “Sure, FOX News and the Vatican will shout that this is an anti-Catholic measure, but if children ran the world, then the Catholic Church would be categorized as a terrorist group,” stated one administrative aide off the record.

Local priests are up in arms about this measure. While the diocese plans to stand up for the right for its officials to spend private, intimate time with today’s troubled youth for counseling, the real crime being committed with this measure is that it distracts the public from the real problem - homosexual marriages undermining the very fabric of life. “Someday soon all of you with be gnashing your teeth on how the media focused on the systematic cover up of pedophile priests by the Church, and not on how the marriage of Adam and Steve incurred divine wrath,” stated one octogenarian cleric.

Meanwhile there is a visible sigh of relief by sippy cup holders everywhere in the municipality. Moms and dads report that nap times are far more frequent and there are less anxiety attacks while walking by churches.

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