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November 20, 2011



Newt Gingrich says that the American “left” is out to destroy “traditional religion.” But why?


Salt.  Progressives hate the stuff.  It’s been millennia since God turned anyone into a condiment – Newt wants the clergy to turn Nancy Pelosi into a bowl of chutney. 

Shellfish.  Liberals love the it, and Newt’s boys Deuteronomy and Leviticus don’t appreciate it.  In fact, it’s part of Newt’s plan to revitalize the American beef industry – kill anyone who eats a shrimp.

Men with defective balls.  Progressives love funky-nutted men.  If it were up to Newt, nobody with damaged testicles – or pretty much any deformity – couldn't approach a church alter (Leviticus 21:16-23).


So far so good, but why does Newt want to go back to traditional religion?

Inexpensive Women.  Traditionally, women were only worth %60 of men (Leviticus 27:3).  Newt goes through so many wives, he needs to get them on sale.  Equality has driven the price of women through the roof.  Plus, anytime he wants to sleep with another one, he has to marry her.  Poor Newt can’t even keep a concubine.

Pagan Sacrifices and Numerology.  Newt hates today’s churches, they’re so sanitized and free of throbbing animal entrails.   Why, today’s priests don’t even know how to put their hands in the body of a dead bull and splatter the blood seven times about the alter.  If you’ve ever wanted to know how important it is to splatter bull’s blood around your church, read Leviticus.

Slaves.  Newt’s plan for illegal immigration is to put immigrants in the slave trade.  Yeah, he knows he can’t enslave other Israelites, but the rest are fair game (Leviticus 25:44-46).

Maybe this isn’t what Newt meant when he started flapping his mouth.  But, that’s the problem: despite the fact that he’s never at a loss for words, nothing he says ever makes sense.