1) This Looks Familiar
I liked the visual callback to many seasons ago (before whack ass mid-season finales) when Michonne had her zombie chain entourage. A powerful reminder that no matter how much progress we think we’re making in life, we are all doomed to wander around the same concentric circles that eventually suffocate us until we can’t summon the strength take another meaningless step and we leave the earth as it was before we arrived. Everything was for nothing. No permanent marks made. Sorry, was I supposed to make a joke or something? Probably should throw some jokes in here. Sound off in the comments if you think these should have jokes.
2) Carl Fucks Up The Seemingly Impossible To Fuck Up Task Of Shooting Negan In The Face From 10 Feet Away With An Assault Rifle
How hard is your job, Carl? You were supposed to shoot NO guys and ONE Negan. Instead you shot TWO guys and ZERO Negans. God, I hate when that happens! Better high tail it out of there and follow your maple syrup trail to Alexandra, I don’t think Negan’s the kind of guy to just welcome you into his home and hand you a beer after something like that.
3) Take Rick’s Son To Work Day
So it looks like Negan’s the kind of guy to welcome you into his home and hand you a beer after something like that. The dude just keeps the twists and turns coming! Makes sense because I don’t know if there’s a quicker path to a young man’s heart than saying he can look at boobs and have half a beer.
Damn, Daryl. You look so sad holding Negan’s cheese plate. If you really want to break a man, have him hold your cheese. The history books will remember Guantanamo Bay as a palace of horrors and delicious charcuterie trays.
4) Lean It To Negan
I’ve mentioned before that Negan’s complete and total lack of an ass may be the reason he’s always leaning back. It’s so annoying. It really annoys me. Negan doing that knee-bend lean-back thing after a line of dialogue is like seasoning. A little bit enhances a meal, but what we have right now is a $5 steak covered in a dump truck of Lawry’s salt. I noticed over the weekend that girls do this thing when they take pictures where they get super close but then lean far away from each other like they’re both falling in opposite directions. I call it Pisa Pose, like the tower. It’s like Negan is stuck in this perpetual Pisa Pose, but he’s not standing next to his bestie and nobody is taking a photo. Pretty sad when you think about it.
5) Trouble Ahead
I don’t know about you folks, but when I see a sign telling me there’s something dangerous ahead that was most certainly written by a crazy person I just ignore it and go in the direction of the advertised danger. It’s how I’ve managed to stay alive so long with just a couple of broken bones, three burned fingers, split chin, appendicitis, and type-1 diabetes.
6) Father Gabriel’s “Is This Spencer Serious?” Face
Spencer is really gunning for the “least likable character” award. It’s basically him and Gregory duking it out for Rookie Of The Year while Carl’s legacy is solidified in the Garbage Hall Of Fame. I love how Father Gabriel just looks at him like, “Are you fucking serious right now?” Father Gabriel was the OG of the “Anybody but Rick for Alexandria” movement! This is the part of the article where I draw poignant comparisons between Spencer and the alt-right. Can you please imagine me making the poignant comparisons so I don’t have to actually make the poignant comparisons? I don’t want to get political in these. There’s a time and a place for articulate political discourse and it’s definitely not a poorly written weekly recap article about a zombie soap opera.
7) Do Baseball Bats Dream Of Electric Pussies?
Apparently this line about baseball bats not having pussies was directly from the comics but, as has been extensively covered in these recaps, I am not a nerd and don’t read the comics like all you nerds who read the comics you nerdy nerds. All I know is we’re all watching a TV show where a guy talks about baseball bats having pussies and that’s fun. I goof on this show a lot, but I have fun watching it. It’s a fun show about zombies and baseball bats and whether or not the baseball bats have pussies. Turns out they don’t.
8) Carl: Unplugged
Some people say Carl’s early work is his best, but I think he shined the brightest when he ditched the bandages and went unplugged. Wow, Negan! Way to be a DICK SQUEEZE (that’s someone who squeezes dicks in case you were wondering, feel like it’s pretty self-explanatory, but just covering bases because I know at least one person would probably write a comment like “what’s a dick squeeze tho?” [I read all the comments] and one of you will still probably write that comment but whatever) about the whole Carl having a gross hole in his face thing. He’s crying his eye out! Where’s Lori you ask? She’s crashing cars in the sky somewhere. Hey, remember when this scene was in Superbad?
Superbad is one of my favorite movies and if this show wants to do Superbad stuff more often I am all for it.
9) Iron Even Know That Guy
It’s hard for me to feel any kind of strong emotional attachment to this guy I don’t know at all, mostly because I don’t know him at all. But yeah, Negan is ruthless and this scene was gross but like who gives a shit. I’m glad we got an episode that finally delivered multiple plots, but they done went and introduced too many plots! TRULY A THIN LINE BETWEEN NOT ENOUGH PLOTS AND WAY TOO MANY PLOTS. I guess what I’m trying to say is I went to college and got a useless media studies degree and it only took me 4.5 years so sound off in the comments. There’s one guy every week who leaves a comment that says these articles used to be great, but now Funny Or Die has a new writer and they suck. Guess what, dude! It’s been me all along and they’ve always been terrible. Hope you were sitting down for that shocking revelation.
10) Nobody Saw Jesus
God dammit with this bullshit. There are lookouts ALL OVER the compound and also people standing around the truck. Do you mean to tell me nobody noticed the bearded man sprawled out on the roof like a gazelle in heat presenting her hind quarters? Cool, I guess nobody noticed the bearded man sprawled out on the roof like a gazelle in heat presenting her hind quarters.
OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO SCARY! Wait, my bad. Didn’t see the third guy in the car at first, I thought they were letting Carl drive. The dead are walking the earth and the most dangerous thing is still Lori’s genes on the road.
11) Negan’s Musical Home Tour
This was fun. I liked Negan’s musical tour of the Grimes household, especially how much he enjoyed rubbing his feet all over the carpet.It’s fun that the show does these goofy bits of comic relief. Say what you will about The Walking Dead, but it’s the only show on TV where you can see a guy’s face melted with an iron and chuckle at a dude making toe fists in the carpet in the same episode. And I guess that’s good for something I don’t know actually maybe not.
12) Spencer Found A Note In Latin From A Zombie Stuck In A Tree With Info On Tons Of Supplies
I actually took Latin in grade school (had the choice between that and Spanish and growing up in Los Angeles I wisely chose Latin) and this is about the only scenario where I can see that class paying off. There is a lot of unbelievable shit on this show, but this might be the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever been asked to accept. Anyways, Latin Note is my new favorite character. You just never know what Latin Note will do next! I know what you’re thinking: But is Latin Note bold? Yes. And compelling and also dynamic. Sound off in the comments if you want me to retire this joke and also the joke about sounding off in the comments.
13) Talk Baby To Me
I learned a fun new term this election called “apophasis” which is the tactic of talking about something by saying you won’t talk about it. Like, “I would never stoop so low as to discuss my opponent’s drinking problem.” It’s a great word. But what do you call it when you make death threats by talking to a baby? Is there a word for it? There should be. I know it’s a very specific thing, but it would be helpful if there was a word for it. What if we call it “Pisa Pose” wait shit sorry already used that one we could call it “Dick Squeeze” nope fuck already made that term up also alright let’s split the difference and call it “Pisa Dick” yeah that feels right. Negan’s use of Pisa Dick in this scene is absolutely chilling. Chilled to the bone by his Pisa Dick usage. Please someone cite these recaps in an academic paper and send me a picture of your grade, I beg you. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE MID-SEASON FINALE! What will Rick and Aaron do at Zombie Spring Break in Lake Havasu? Aaron will flash his nips for some beads, just as soon as him and Rick ignore 6 or 7 more signs written by an armed lunatic. Who slipped Daryl that note and key? It was Tabitha the goat, she’s been hiding out this whole time waiting to make her move. Will Negan and
Denise Olivia (EDIT: one of you pointed out in the comments Denise is dead, not my fault they cast such unnecessarily similar looking actors for this town) bone down? He’s going to be more than 50% into her if they do. Will Rosita’s one bullet come into play? Yes. She’s going to throw it at Negan really hard! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on the MID-SEASON FINALE (I THINK MID-SEASON FINALES ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, AMC CAN CHEW A ZOMBIE PENIS FOR MAKING US ACCEPT THIS AS A WAY OF LIFE) S07E08 of The Walking Dead!